Anxiety and Depression

by no means I want to sound cynical or insensitive - this is only me. But there you go.

My prostate cancer was, at the time of post-surgery biopsy (Oct 28), pT3b, with positive margins, lymph nodes involvement, peri-neural invasion. Since then it has reached four inguinal artery lymph nodes, my PSA hasn’t gone down significantly. I have had 26 sessions of radiotherapy and am suffering from minor side effects. I’ll have a check on Aug 2nd. All in all, it’s a Stage IVa. Last but one before, I guess, doctors finally decide to tell me something more useful than ‘medicine is not an exact science’ (it is not even a science, for that). The overall outcome of this un-exactness has been, so far, that the cancer is still there and sex has gone…

Surgery has left me, so to speak, temporarily out of service. I say temporarily because I still hope to gain some fun back - always so to speak. The doctor at RT said I have 5% chances of regaining that. In turn, I have about 28% chances to be alive in 5 years. I would have gladly swapped the percentages. I am 71, what the **** do I care about being around in another ten years watching, as the song goes, the girls go by?

I have refused hormone therapy - it’s enough not to be able to have intercourse without adding the arguable plus of weight gain, depression, breasts. So it’s just to say that nothing has been easier to me, over the last 18 months, than facing my own mortality. It’s an encounter that actually changes one’s life. Everything becomes real. Everything, that is, but bulls**t, which one discovers being 90% of what happens, what people say and what doctors suggest.

I am not depressed. I am not anxious. I am finally in control of something, and that is the remains of my time. Hearing perfectly healthy and safe people explaining to you how to deal with illness is liberating and hilarious. Like when Catholic priests teach young couples how to face and manage marriage. Life is fun!

Mortality and the awareness of it are the only life-giving factor in life. Having children may be a good substitute for it, but I can’t have children and never could. So family is not an option for me, while material things, after all, are.
I mean, when the time comes I’ll be able to afford a nurse half my age who goes around my place half naked (or full naked), sleeps with me and has a drawer of morphine ready. It may sound a bit Randy Newman-ish, but what do I care?

The best revenge, that guy said, is living well. Being that perhaps too late for me, I am resolved to do well the other thing.



Max that’s a lot to take in and I’m glad you’ve also come to terms with your situation. My current numbers are reasonable and my stem cell transplant in September gives my the best chance of getting another 5 years. But apparently it always comes back, I’ve already made the decision not to go through the treatment again. It’s hard enough knowing you only have limited time I don’t want to spend those years/months in hospital.

I watched a video yesterday and the doctor stated that in a lot of cases it’s about keeping you alive in the hope a cure comes along.

Max I hope that you have the best possible outcome with a good standard of living. Stay in touch, it’s good to talk to people who are fighting their own battles.


I will, gladly. And with a more suitable attitude! :grinning:

(My advice to young people: sleep with as many women, or men, as you can. In the end, having missed it will be the thing you’ll regret most).


No my councillor suggested that we/you/I have the right to be angry, but I guess it’s how you deal with that anger.

1 Like

I’m coming up to 7 years clear with just surgery. The right side nerves were removed because it was evident from the MRI that the capsule was breached. Give yourself time to recover and with ways and means you might have fun again. Even cuddling every night is a great comfort. The feeling does come back.



That can depend on the form of vitamin D.
There are two main types D2 (ergocalciferol) and D3 (cholecalciferol).

D2 itself has relatively low activity in human metabolism, to properly use it it needs to be converted into D3 by UV light penetrating the skin. D3 can be absorbed from food and can be used directly by the body.


Anger absolutely is valid emotion, and for you and @MaxBertola , completely justified.


It was a D3/K2 spray formulation.

1 Like

Thanks. Much appreciated.

1 Like

Max this is the only bit of crumpet I’ve had since starting treatment and to be honest I don’t really have the energy for much else. Also when you’re on chemo your bodily fluids are toxic doesn’t really add to the romance. :grin:


English crumpet tends to be smaller more appealing and less like a flattened disc I would say. You should try some of ours.

1 Like

I will ours aren’t that bad and easy to toast

1 Like

first I had to google crumpet so I think I learned a new word for an old meaning - surely both nice! :slightly_smiling_face:
As for bodily fluids, I have none anymore, and my remaining erogenous zones have become erroneous ones. So I understand!