Another example of Chinglish.
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Seems straightforward.
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A group of people arrive at the same time at the Pearly Gates and are processed by St Peter. The first one approaches him.
“Religion?” St Peter asks.
“Anglican” comes the reply.
“Right, here’s your harp, you’re in room 3, but be quiet as you pass room 11.”
The person trotts off and the next one comes up to St P.
“Religion?”
“Baptist”
“Right, here’s your harp, you’re in room 16, but be quiet as you pass room 11.”
Off he goes, and the third approaches.
“Religion?”
“Islam”
"“Right, here’s your harp, you’re in room 5, but be quiet as you pass room 11. Next!”
“I’m a Humanist”
“Right, here’s your harp, you’re in room 7, but be quiet as you pass room 11.”
The final person comes up to St Peter.
"I’m Anglican too, so I’ll be in room 3, " she says, “But why do we have to be quiet when we go past room 11?”
St Peter hands her a harp and replies:
“That’s where the Catholics are, and they think they’re the only ones here.”
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Did you know in Iceland, it’s illegal to have sex on Christmas Eve. You will be arrested if caught? Not sure about the other supermarkets though.
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I thought they rolled the stones?
G
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Only from where the Quarrymen left them, then they had to carry them.
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A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
‘Nice bike,’ the cop said. ‘Did Santa bring it to you?’
‘Yes Sir,’ the little girl said, ‘he sure did!’
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, ‘Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!’
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, ‘Nice horse you’ve got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?’
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, ‘Yes, he sure did!’
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, ‘Next year tell Santa… the d*ck goes underneath the horse, not on top.’
6 Likes
I just found out why the fairy is on the tree…Many years ago one busy Christmas Eve Father Christmas was not in a very good mood as the sleigh was not ready , the hot chocolate came from Aldi and the grotto wasnt even decorated ---- everyone was trying to help and the fairy walked in and said —Where do you want this tree?..
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I went for a job interview.
They said. “You start at £13 an hour then after 6 months it’s £18 an hour”. “When would you to start”
“In 6 months”
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Couldn’t agree more.
JOKES ONLY UNDERSTOOD BY SCOTS
A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken.
‘Okay,’ says her dad. ‘Where are you ringing fae?’
‘Fae ma knickers tae ma feet.’
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
‘Govan,’ she replies.
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: ‘How much for the set of antlers?’
‘Two hundred quid,’ says the bloke behind the counter.
‘That’s affa dear,’ says the guy.
Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He’s a wa’ noo.
After announcing he’s getting married, a boy tells his pal he’ll be wearing the kilt.
‘And what’s the tartan?’ asks his mate.
‘Oh, she’ll be wearing a white dress.’
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box.
So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
‘Is there money in the box?’
‘Naw, it’s just me,’ he replies.
While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband: ’
Do you think I’m getting a wee bit pigeon chested?’
And he says: ‘Aye, but that’s why I love you like a doo.’
What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.
A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
‘No,’ argues the assistant,
‘look at the label - it says Taiwan ..’
Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It’s called The Aw’ Needin’ Line.
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
‘What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?’,
‘I’d put him off at the next stop,’ he says.
‘Good. And what would you do if you couldn’t get the fare?’
‘I’d take the first two weeks in August,’ he replies.
A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
‘What’s up Jimmy?’ he asks.
‘Piston broke,’ he replies.
Aye, same as masel.
14 Likes
Pure dead brilliant!
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If quizzes are quizzical,
What are tests?
3 Likes