What do you call a man without shins?
Tony.
8 Likes
Stupidly good Kev.
3 Likes
Somebody born in ‘33 was 45 in ‘78. Is this some sort of record?
31 Likes
A woman goes into a bar and asks for am innuendo.
So the Barman gave her one.
3 Likes
We might disagree on Brexit but that is superb. Chapeau sir. 
1 Like
"Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.’ ‘Is it common?’ I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.
9 Likes
The new zookeeper…
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him… To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won’t be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything…
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says “What’s the food like here?”
The lions say: “Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees.”
16 Likes
My wife said she wanted me to dig a really deep hole in the back garden and fill it with water, I think she meant well.
6 Likes
Did you hear the one about the Constipated politician?
–
Couldn’t budget.
8 Likes
What do you get if you cross a cow with an arab
A milk sheikh
8 Likes
They say that if you lose one sense, your other senses become enhanced.
This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance. 
17 Likes
What it’s like to be British
• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”
• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”
• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best
• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door
• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit
• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand
• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector
• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”
• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it
• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands
• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck
• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change
• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again
• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested
• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”
• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon
• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it
• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave
• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible
• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about
• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake
• Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot
• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink
• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit
• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it
• “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”
• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever
• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever
• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’
• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether
• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing
• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again
• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up
• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again
33 Likes
It’s all funny, but recognising those that are truly the truth is a bit weird!
Best (regards)
David
1 Like
Amen!
You forgot
. When as a gentleman opening a door for a lady will also say out loud " thank you", when said lady says nothing.
1 Like
When a gentleman opens the car door for a lady, it is either a new lady in his life … or a new car.
6 Likes
An Indian man has been arrested for punching his wife in the face.
Chinda Goodunproppa has denied all charges.
9 Likes
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
14 Likes
What do you call a bull masturbating ?
A Beef Strokingoff.
