I could post a coronavirus joke, but it would be days before you get it.
Eddie Mair in today’s i paper:
‘1947 and 1963 are generally regarded as being Britain’s worst winters, apart from Mike and Bernie.’
In 2015 everyone who went for a job interview and was asked ‘Where do you see yourself in five years?” got the answer wrong.
Thank you twitter.
A man sees a sign outside a house - ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador sitting there. “Do you really talk?” he asks the dog.
“Yes,” the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, “So, tell me your story” The Labrador looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years”.
“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I’ve just retired.”
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. “Ten quid,” the owner says.“£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?” “Because he’s a lying bugger, he’s never been out of the garden.”
? Don’t get it Chris…
Um, she likes your jokes more than anyone’s and is still going on about ‘just our initial enquiries’!
Ah - she is a woman of fine sensibilities.
I was born above a pub In brixton my father was always out of work he was a shepherd
Or the dyslexic evil knivel he jumps 13 motor cycles
On a bus
"Do you know Bach’s “Sheep May Safely Graze?”
“Only the first couple of baas”.
My parents left home when i was 15
I had a very nice secretary at the office i asked her
Do you like children she said yes i told her Iam up
I went to a restaurant berfore the isolation
As you went in there was a sign which said The
Food in untouched by human hand the chef is a
Iam glad you like my jokes
Don’t cheer just throw money
When i was in hospital this Russian nurse Asked
Me how many times a day do you open your balls
This is true
Is that the DR version?
It seems birthdays are good for your health. Extensive studies, costing millions, have shown that people who have more birthdays live the longest.
More from Eddie Mair, this time on stock-piling at the beginning of the coronavirus pandemic, in last Saturday’s i paper:
‘I bought 10 packets of paracetamol. 10. I’ve never needed that much headache relief in my life, and I’ve worked with Robert Peston.’
You don’t have to impress anyone with what you do, as long as you’re content with what you’re doing.
I would, however, suggest you change that shirt you’re wearing right now.