Best jokes


I’m in the wife’s bad books. Last night, the house alarm was accidentally set off by our cat. I misunderstood her when she told me to go down and disable it.


My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.

Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.


My wife once informed me… “Sex is better on holiday”

That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.


From the FB Tim Vine Joke Appreciation group:


Haha love it


That, Dave, is a belter!


… and then, if you decide that you do need it, and you squat down to pick it up, you look around and ask yourself “anything else I should pick up while I’m down here?”


Genie: “You can have two wishes.”

Dave: “I wish I was rich.”

Genie: “Granted, now what’s your second wish?”

Rich: “I want lots of money.”


In the same vein:

Man rubs the lamp and a genie appears and says thanks for releasing me - I will grant you 3 wishes.

The man thinks and says I’d like a glass of fine beer. The genie obliges.

As soon as the man finishes, the glass refills. The genie tells him this will always be the case - he will never be without beer.

The genie asks the man about his remaining 2 wishes.

The man replies by asking for 2 more glasses of beer :beer::beer::beer:


Nice listing on Sky Movies Comedy channel today:

09:30 Groundhog Day
11:15 Groundhog Day
13:00 Groundhog Day
14:45 Groundhog Day
16:30 Groundhog Day
18:15 Groundhog Day
20:00 Groundhog Day
21:45 Groundhog Day
23:30 Groundhog Day



Dave, I have shamelessly recycled this one to great effect on my customers at the pub.

Really hits the spot!


I’m watching Groundhog Day, but the DVD keeps skipping back to the bit where his alarm goes off in the morning.




My friend has been really unwell, so I went round to see him this afternoon. I took some DVDs and ready meals.
Fingers crossed - he’s too ill to notice they’ve gone.


I’d bet those weirdo’s are still using record players and stereo amplifiers! :roll_eyes:


Attention-seekers missing some purpose in their lives. Hope they’re not allowed anywhere near children.


But probably not GPS…


They’re are obvious not very numerate either. Since they seem to believe that the circumference of their ‘flat earth’ is Antartica, they don’t seem to have spotted the obvious mismatch in scale between the coast line of their ‘Antartica’ and the real one.


A bloke in the pub said to me, “I’ve trained my dog to go get the paper from the shop 6 miles away”.

I said, “That’s a bit far fetched”.