Best jokes


#106

There’s an entire “sea” missing in your argument Mike !

Antarctica has TWO “c”s :sunglasses:


#107

Now Dave, you are starting to ruin your comic cred with that one.

I know you can do better!:wink:


#108

Dave, a keen golfer, is on his deathbed having led a good and virtuous life and receives an early visit from St. Peter to confirm is arrangements for the future. Dave agrees to a preview of what’s to come and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates for a tour. As expected, there’s plenty of niceness and courtesy and many a famous person. Dave thanks St. Peter, who leaves him with a ‘contract for eternity’ for execution for when the time comes.

As he exits Dave is approached by someone calling themselves Lucifer, who promotes ‘the other place’ as a viable alternative and offers a free tour. Dave thinks ‘what the hell’ and takes the descending elevator with Lucifer.

Upon arrival Dave is impressed with the cleanliness of the place and Lucifer offers Dave a round of golf on what turns out to be a championship-quality course with a 19th hole where the drinks & food are all complimentary. Lucifer asks that Dave, in his short time left, should promote ‘the other place’ to his golfing friends (all equally virtuous) so they can join him in due course and enjoy the wonderful facilities. Dave is very impressed and Lucifer also gives Dave a lengthy ‘contract for eternity’ to consider.

The time for passing arrives and Dave opts for ‘the other place’ and signs-up but when he arrives there is smoke all around, with no sign of the golf-course and the other flagged benefits.

A startled Dave :hot_face: seeks out Lucifer who, after a lengthy wait, responds:

‘A few days ago you were a target prospect, today you are just an ordinary customer - and don’t bother looking at the fine print of the contract as we, of course, have the nastiest lawyers down here!’

,and Dave thought his previous broadband contract dealings had been bad enough :exploding_head:


#109

At my funeral there will be a pinata, you know, to make people happy.

But it will be filled with bees, you know, to make me happy too.


#110

Indeed, Don. Me rushing my reply again. :blush:


#111

WHERE did the two hamburgers go to dance?

The meatball.


#112

Another from the FB Tim Vine Joke Appreciation Group


#113

What cheese is made backwards?

Edam.


#114

What cheese can you use to hide a horse?

Mascapone


#115

What’s the connection between a short-sighted gynaecologist and a healthy puppy?

Both have wet noses !


#116

I was in a bar last night and the barman shouted “Does anyone know CPR?”. I replied “Hell I know the whole alphabet!”. Everyone laughed, well except this one guy.


#117

A gynaecologist friend of mine re-decorated his hall. He painted it through the letter box.


#118

Ok try this one then…

Since my gynaecologist developed Parkinson’s, his fingers shake so much…I just cannot get an appointment.


#119

Who was it who quoted, “Blessed are the Cheesemakers”?

Cheeses of Nazareth


#120

The (alleged) Churchill quotes are getting a bit off topic in Hi-Fi Corner, so time to put them here instead…

Lady Astor: “If I were married to you, I’d put poison in your coffee.”
Churchill: “If I were married to you, I’d drink it.”


#121

My friend won £1m on the National Lottery and said he had given half to charity.
He says he now has £999,999


#122


#123

Gynaecologist to nervous young lady: “Have you never been examined like this before?”

Nervous young lady: “Oh yes, but not by a doctor”


#124

Churchill quote:

Lady at dinner table - Sir, you are drunk!
Churchill - And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning I will be sober.


#125

What’s the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynaecologist ?

One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.