Best jokes

all true except 4.

But the question is which half of that sentence is incorrect :wink:

steve

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Away from the family on business for a few days so it’s nice to feel valued…

Novotel Liverpool.

G

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Some years ago I was at the Princess Hotel in Hamilton BM and they have the Trudeau Ballroom.

Sadly I’ve deleted the photo showing the obvious spelling mistake, albeit on a temporary sign, one you would not want to make, but did share it with a Canadian friend. He said it looked right to him…

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I was walking down the street when I was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman, who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago”, the homeless woman told me.

“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” I asked.

“No, I don’t waste time shopping” the homeless woman said, “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” I asked.

“Are you NUTS?” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”

“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.”

The homeless woman was shocked. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

I said, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.”

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I’ve been telling that joke for more than 40 years!
(But NOT continuously!)

I got a new deodorant today.

The instructions said:
Remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.

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I think you’ve misunderstood the term Aerosol Deodorant.

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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes it is.”

Boy: “I have a football.”

Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Wan’t to buy it?”

Man: “No thanks.”

Boy: “My dads outside.”

Man: “OK, how much?”

Boy: “$750?″

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy: “Dark in here”

Man: “Yes it is”

Boy: ” I have football boots.”

The lover, remembering the last time, asked the boy, “How much?”

Boy: “$2250.”

Man: “Sold.”

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, “Grab your boots and football, let’s go outside and have a game of soccer.”

The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and boots.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

Boy: “$3000”

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that sh#t again. You’re in my cupboard now.”

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steve

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