I don’t think it’s so much a question of understanding. It’s more a question of love, trust and acceptance, in spite of differences.
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… and that is just the Forum
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A good question. I view my hobby as quite mild (ie. less intrusive that going missing all day to play golf) but I do see it is not a cheap hobby taken over a year, especially when buying expensive box sets, remasters, etc. I do think that women generally do not understand the fascination with all things hifi and the quest for the best sound reproduction one can afford and the pleasure this brings (just look at the low number of women on this forum or attending hifi shows).
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You have to recognize that hifi is a highly egocentrical hobby, whereas the things your wife does are mostly in the interest of the family and her social circle;
she works full time and is the primary carer for her mother but does spend some of her downtime seeing friends
It’s possible your wife would not mind you playing a lot of golf, since that would also be a social endeavour. I think many women don’t really have a problem with men spending money, as long as it goes into something that contributes to the family’s larger social circle.
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Hifi. Listening to music whilst sitting down is a fairly safe hobby and It keeps us off the streets.
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I’m not sure that simple generalisations about what women do or don’t think is entirely helpful. You say she hasn’t got a comparable hobby but with working full time and looking after her mum it doesn’t look like she has much time for herself! The more you write, the more it seems that you have more of a way to go to understand your wife than vice versa. If you are sitting listening to music while she is looking after her mum I’m not surprised she may be a little unhappy. On the money front, given you have a joint account, I’d strongly recommend the pocket money idea. But I sense a bigger issue here, and one you should address. With all your wife us doing, she needs to be treasured and not criticised. So what if she only likes Amy Winehouse. An encyclopaedic knowledge of Buxtehude is no more worthy.
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So sell all my gear and music that i love and take up golf which I do not? I try to fit my hobby around my family/social life so that it does not impinge. I am constantly surprised at the amount of music other forum members buy and listen to and wonder how many wives are hifi widows!
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I think if your other half supports or even encourages your hifi hobby you are a very lucky boy, I’m afraid Mrs Hanumike is quite happy to listen to her music of choice from her Amazon Echo and says she cannot see any reason for 10k’s plus worth of hifi cluttering up the lounge but then again she says she cannot see any noticeable difference over a 720p and 4K tv picture either and I won’t even go into the discussions on why I go fishing!!!
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No you should enjoy your hobby ofcourse, it was just to illustrate how differently men and women can look at the issue of spending money. You feel that your spending is very reasonable and accommodating, but she may experience this completely differently. More/better communication could be the most important step to start bridging that gap…
My wife and family finally understood and accepted after many years, when they realised how much joy I have from my system.
You should insist on how it makes you happy.
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We’re good sharers - everything ‘joint’ and tolerant of one another’s passions…mine do cost a bit more mind, but then I ‘bring home the bacon’ so to speak. It’s never been an issue - with everything in shared accounts.
I remember Fred Dibnah once talking about his obsession with collecting steam engines and the impact it had on his various marriages. In one scene he was seen mulling over whether to buy another gargantuan engine and musing ‘…the wife say’s “That’s the last. Buy that and I’m off”…’. In the next scene he is filmed proudly atop said machine driving it into his collection shed.
I believe he finally married someone who shared, or was at least tolerant of his obsession.
The advice about openness and transparency above is entirely sensible. In my experience it allows greater enjoyment of one’s purchases too.
G
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It can be a complicated subject , but shouldn’t be in my opinion. Obviously both sides of the view can easily be seen. If the couples’ house is a bit of a dump in one of their views, but the other wants to spend a disproportionate amount on a hobby…or if they don’t go on enough holidays… The internet is full of pics of 50+ grand systems surrounded by tired/cheap decor. No judgement, but it does make one wonder sometimes.
Sneaking purchases, hiding things is not me at all and I wouldn’t like it done to me either. Never done it, never will.
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Yes, but playing intrusive music may make them wish we were out of the house so they could invite friends around for a chat and a coffee. The old room where I had the hi-fi is nearly clear now, but the system is currently in the knocked through communal area - I’m sure she finds this frustrating. Having a noisy in-house hobby is potentially frustrating for one’s wife/partner especially if you have music they hate. Same goes for wanting to watch something on TV when she’s doing a marathon soap watching session.
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Haha this is so true
Good luck and all the best @Brown_Owl.
Personally I’d put the £15k upgrade on hold until you can resolve your issues. Definitely not worth stoking the fire as it’s really not worth upsetting your wife further.
I’m sure it can be resolved but feel there’s something deeper going on that’s not necessarily about the hifi.
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A few years ago I did a major revamp of my system using inheritance upon my mother’s death. My reasoning, with which my wife was entirely happy, was that every time I sit down to listen to music it would provide a reminder of the person who introduced me to music. Aside from that, it was spare money, and I only spent about a quarter or third of it.
But then although my wife doesn’t understand why I want the music to sound so good, she does appreciate the difference when she hears it, and although she doesn’t like most of my music, and never sits down to listen to music in its own right for herself, she is content for me to have such a system - maybe because there are far worse things I could be doing or wasting money on!
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My wife and I share some commonalities to your situation @Brown_Owl. More often she prefers quietness. Only occasionally she would put on some music. Most of the time she listens with her headphones using her phone while she works, etc. Her taste of music is quite different from mine.
She likes a song for the lyrics much more than everything else, SQ like soundstage means little to her. Likewise, she is content watching a low res 720p on the small screen - her phone because she likes the story. I do encourage her to watch on the tv and at times I would retreat to my little room with a second system. That said, as @Innocent_Bystander said, she can hear the difference and appreciate it. It is just not that important to her.
She works full time and doesn’t nearly spend as much money as I do. However, one thing is that I manage our finances and she is confident that I don’t affect our financial goal because of my indulgences, and I do have several indulgences I am afraid. I would discuss with her, explain why I want it and involve her in the purchasing decision. Interestingly, on several occasions, she actually encouraged me to go for the better model, exceeding my budget. As many suggested, communication is key. The outcome can actually be in your favor.
I don’t have a TT and don’t collect records and no longer collects CDs but focusing on streaming. Thanks to the vast amount of music suggestions from this community, I don’t feel in any significant way I am missing out. My wife has suggested that I get a TT before but I think she is glad I am not doing it because she and I know I will tinker, upgrade and collect.
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Just been watching “Mr Deeds” and was reminded
of this…
Does anyone have David Attenborough’s number? He needs to be told dinosaurs aren’t extinct after all!
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I don’t know how to solve such differences, but I still can’t help but chip in here. When my wife and I met, hifi was one of my great expenditures. She thought I was bonkers when she learned that the tonearm on my turntable cost more than her racing bike. But she slowly got attuned to listening to music she knew and loved, in considerably better quality than what she was used to. Today, 20 years later, we have settled on a system slightly less esoteric but still very very good, and we buy our stuff together. If either of us doesn’t like the sound of a device, we don’t buy it.
When I look back, I can see a pattern here. We came into this relationship each with our interests and a few shared ones. Over the years we have pretty much assimilated each others’ hobbies. Not completely balancing them out, but enough to understand and respect each one. It takes an effort and a mutual one at that, but it is achievable.
The last thing she bought for herself, not related to knitting, was a pair of Grado headphones 
.
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