Sorry to hear you’re lonely - however some degree of … not sure if loneliness is the right word, maybe solitariness? … probably affects a majority in older age, and more than is necessarily recognised before that.
In my own case, unlike some people I’ve known, I’m the type of person who has only ever had a very small number of friends. That goes back to schooldays, when I had two friends. In one workplace back in the 1980s a group of colleagues in my workplace ‘gelled’, and did things together socially, that was unusual. Of those, three have remained as friends - but very distant ones, with exchange of news once a year at Christmas, and I might meet up with one or another about once every 10 years… As senior manager of my workplace in my past three jobs (1992 to retirement) I couldn’t develop friendships with anyone at work. So, now I have three occasional ‘friends’ locally who I meet up with for a drink or go to a gig a few times a year, but I hesitate to call them friends as that is the limit of our association. I have a few other acquaintances in the form of a cycling group I join for a mountain bike ride once a week subject to weather - but never yet socialised beyond.
My only real friend is my wife. If anything were to happen to her I would be left with my own company. I certainly don’t think of myself as lonely, because I am a self-contained person, but sometimes I think it would be nice to have two or three people I’s sit and drink or listen to music with frequently.
. There are a few members on here for who have a lot of respect, even though we do not always agree, and who I’d happily meet up with over a pint to see if we hit it off - but as I live near none it is unlikely ever to happen.
Problem is when you’re young you want everyone to be your friend as you get older you realise that’s impossible, I think if you have 3 or 4 close friends you’re doing well. I simply don’t have the time for many more. I didn’t have a great childhood and unfortunately lost contact with school mates due to lots of things outside of my control. It’s not like today where we are almost too connected, those days it was a rarely used landline (if wasn’t cut off of course).
Met a few good friends since moving to the country one in particular who still has a group of school friends that his in regular contact with, I envy that.
Once I got over the odd feeling of not working my long established interests then took over full-time and I’m now nicely busy.
Work is now something from the past!
I only have few friends but these are long-standing ones of 35+ years, some from secondary school and others from car related interests. Sadly one of these has met a woman and has now morphed into somebody I no longer know.
Me and my mate Ian still go for a curry on Sunday night despite the conversation being more limited than it used to be due to my deafness. It’s still worth the effort though and do a Sunday magazine crossword practicing finger spelling for the answers.
Thing about retiring is you start to revaluate your relationship with a lot of people. I found there were a few “work” friends that ultimately weren’t and just acquaintances. It’s very important to be able to distinguish the difference between the two.
I started this thread I think back in January looking for general advice on my impending retirement, and it’s been really helpful that so many have shared their experiences along the way.
I am only a few weeks into my new life and so it’s very early days for me, but HH’s most recent comments got me thinking and crystallised some thoughts that were already in the back of mind related to loneliness and isolation.
I am lucky to have a small number of mates here in London that I can meet regularly over a few beers and as Pete suggests “talk boll**ks with”.
Male company is really important to me as a man, and I am not sure what I would do if I lost those connections or those meet ups became harder to facilitate.
I know over the next few years my wife and I will spend more time on the Isle of Wight. She has friends and family down there, but I don’t. I need to think about that very carefully.
Does this mean that your good lady is muttering about the pair of you moving to a cottage on the Isle Of Wight?
And are you indeed 64?
A few years ago a super ( and much missed) family member died , I looked at his retirement bungalow in the West Country and realised that I could afford it and it would suit many of my needs . I didn’t take it further as it would mean missing people who were friends
Now I am getting to an age where the house is too big for me and the choice will be stark , move away from an area I have lived in for fifty years or a flat .
I have a friend, although really more just a contact these days, whom I’ve known since we were both 11 and went through school together. We were great friends in those days and hung out together all the time. As so often happens life took us in different directions and he lives in another part of the country now. We only talk occaisonally on the 'phone, but can still have a good laugh.
I’ve never felt the need to have many friends. Really just one or two was enough. I also much prefer female company.
My wife and I lead very solitary lives as a couple. We are each other’s best friends and neither of us has ever felt the need to socialise with others since we got together. I know that sort of lifestyle is not for everyone and some would see it as being very isolating and lonely. But it suits us perfectly.
Interesting, as reading some of the other comments I was about to raise a question about the stated men’s desire for male company. Over the years I have tended to gravitate to female rather than male company, e.g when going to meetings/conferences where there was some social time, I found men tended to just talk about sport (mainstream sports like football that is), or cars, and focussed more on getting drinks in, whereas women talked more interestingly with less of a focus on getting drunk. As for proper friends, happy with either male or female.
Think you’re right and my closest friend is a woman but I do like a beer (or coffee) and chat with male friends. Mrs Pete enjoys her drinks with her girlfriends.
I find friendships hard and tend towards being fairly insular, and most are through work anyway. I have no lifetime friendships, partly as I lived in the UK for nine years before returning home.
We actually lost a few (well most) friends after our daughter was born. That was a pretty hard lesson and a wake up call for us. But of course, now that she is older that opens up another world of opportunities, which I’m looking forward to exploring as I reduce work more transitioning towards retirement.
My experience exactly. I personally can’t stand all the macho lads talk that seemed to often materialise. I just find it boring and not in the least amusing. I’ve got no problems with those who enjoy it but it’s not my thing at all. I’ve always found that females are far more interesting to talk to and have a much nicer outlook and attitude that I can easily relate to.
One of the reasons why I’ve only ever had one or two friends. I’m fiercely loyal to anyone who I consider to be my friend. In return I, perhaps naively, always expect the same in return from them. It rarely happens in IME. When it comes down to it most so-called friends tend to evaporate into the ether.
Maybe you’ll meet a few new friends there.