I was going out for a bike ride and my wife said to me.
“When you get back, if I am not in I am out”
Where is Sherlock Holmes when you need him!!!
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Only yesterday my wife pointed out to me that for as long as she’s known me I order “a cold ice tea”.
As if there is any other kind you nitwit.
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Tell a friend you are going on holiday.
“Going anywhere nice?”
Er….
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The barber said that to me once and I replied
“A cycling holiday in the Lebanon” he just looked at me blankly and said he did not know where that was.!!!
The satire fell flat.
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When people say.,
“I know what your thinking and I am not happy”
I once said to my boss that he would sack me if I called him a Tw_t, but you can’t sack me for what I think and I think you’re a Tw_t!
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A bold move
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Hahaha. I think we must have had the same boss. I did this job I detested. My boss (was an ex professional footballer for Coventry) told me that he really wanted to fire me but frankly found me intimidating and was afraid to.
“Please go ahead and fire me. I would. Honestly, I’d fire my ass in a second if I were you”
The utter wimp still didn’t do it. He just moved me into another department.
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Some years ago i had fitted a kitchen for a customer and he said he couldn’t pay me because he had no money left. I said to him, “i bet £3300 that i can rip this kitchen out in under 2 hours”. He said “why £3300 ?” I said “the £1650 you owe me at the moment, plus £1650 for re-fitting it” Within 20 mins he had suddenly found £1650.
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The cheek.
Some people are unbelievable.
Some current Social Media phrases that really make my bit hitch:
“Not all heros wear capes”
“Living in your head rent free”
“Rant over”
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I once heard someone say “really make my bit hitch”.
No idea what it means. Must be a social media thing.
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Any company meeting where someone says, “we are at an inflection point”.
I’m not sure if people realise that the things they say that they think make them sound smart usually make them sound stupid.
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I had a colleague some years ago who, in meetings, provided us with amazing Buzzword Bingo. The MD used to smile when he could see me grinning behind my hand.
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Might I direct you to this, now closed, thread of mine. Kept a few of us chuckling for a week or two.
I was sitting in my then director’s management meeting in the late ‘90s and loudly announced “Bingo” about 10 minutes in. Pete just looked at me with a sad look on his face, I didn’t have the heart to tell him I’d nearly filled all the lines.
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I’ve just looked back at that thread. A fine line between laughing and crying.
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As for management and consultants speak.
I work for a County Council and we are going through Local Government Reorganisation and cost savings all at the same time.
The best phrase so far is " no regrets work".
All this work is going to take 3 years and in 3 years I retire. Whoop whoop.
I just keep my head down, don’ t look them in the eye and only engage with it when forced.
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