It’s funney that dementia has been brought up a few times (not funny “haha”, just curious).
He has some troubling symptoms like asking the same question 4 times in 5 minutes. Having no recollection for what was discussed a moment ago. And popping out to get things still in his pyjamas. He agreed to get tested for dementia and cognitive decline. The result was “He’s not got dementia, he just has no interest in anything anyones says but himself and doesn’t give a crap what people think.”
I’m still less sure. You can make a lunch reservation and speak to him the same morning. He’ll not show up and when you call him he’ll be watching the horse racing on TV having totally forgot.
Anyway, the latest update is yesterday, my wife’s family tried to intervene. They failed and told me, “We can’t get through, you’re up next.”
Someone else told me to line up crash pics from horrific fatalities on the dark web but honestly, I’m not up for traumatising myself. Sounds effective though.
Worth noting personality plays a large role. On my side, my stepdad quit driving in his 70s after he got stopped speeding in a police car (he had a gig job delivering new ones to stations). He was never a great driver and had one speed: 40mph. Didn’t matter if he was in a 20 zone or the motorway. 40mph. But he took a hint by himself. My mum still drives but compromised. She’s 80 but has never so much as scratched a car parking and after Brexit, her German license from 1958 wasn’t recognised anymore so she went and actually took a UK driving test and passed first time. But she’s said it will be time to pack it in soon and quit while she’s ahead. So chalk and cheese.
Folks with the Fronto-Temporal dementia can present very well. They can be charming and intelligent. Main issues are a tendency to get angry, no insight and no concern for others . As the disease progresses it becomes more obvious that they are demented. Initially it can be put down to eccentricity, as it was in my fathers case.
Very difficult situation, and very dangerous too as you mentioned. The only thing I can think of and I don’t know if it’s any help at all is continually sabotaging his car so it won’t start, or it won’t go into gear, or flat tires, or at least something that disables it. And I think you’d have to keep doing it.
I guess this approach doesn’t really make much sense, it’s just the only thing I can think of. I mean, he has to be stopped …
Honestly I think all the “disable his car” suggestions are superb. It’s logistic really. I live an hour away and his garage is locked down like Fort Knox.
His car uses a USB Token to start. I’m thinking of just destroying it on my next visit.
If you believed yourself to be a competent driver and a relative (by marriage) kept vandalising your car, how would you feel?
Just not sure illicit measures are reasonable. If you do go down that route you will need everybody else in the family to support you. From a prior post doesn’t sound like you have that?
I’d suggest you may have no option but to refuse to travel with him, be consistent and clear in your advice and in the end accept he is responsibility for his actions.
It’s very sad when this starts to happen but could be tragic for the driver or other road users or pedestrians. My mum insisted on driving in her 80s despite our concerns. In her case she bumped into a car on the doctors surgery belongings to a nurse and rightly the doctor got in touch with the police and DVLA to get her licence revoked
Yes, I think it is. Being Japan, its more complex than that.
Couple of examples. Treatment of PoW’s by Japans forces, in WW2. The PoW’s were considered to have no honour - because they had surrendered - and not died instead. So, it was OK to treat them appallingly.
Suicide as a way of taking responsibility. Back in the Shogun era, Samurai would commit Seppaku (by disemboweling themselves, then being decapitated), to take responsibility for have dishonored their Daimyo. In modern Japan, other ways are found. Just as jumping in from of a train. (This used to cause regular delays to trains in Tokyo. The Railway companies have addressed this, by making the family of the victim responsible, financially, for the delay and clean up& repairs. Suicide by Train then dropped significantly.)
The way of thinking in Japan is not like Western countries. Their history is not Judeo Christian. Its Confucian, Shinto and Buddhist. Zen Buddhism particularly was favoured by the Samurai - and is still strong in Japan. There is a political party called Sokagakai, which is closely allied to the Buddhist sect of the same name.
But - ultimately - if you are not Japanese, you will never understand…
I hear what you are saying. I have not got in a car with him in about 5 years. So I’m already there. But as to his feelings… if I can spare them I will, but I’ll be honest, when it comes to preventing the loss of life of another person, I couldn’t give a s%%t about his feelings. I’ll be blunt, in comparison to sparing someone else’s life, his feelings on the matter don’t mean much to me. Road safety and lack of consideration for other’s lives is a red button topic for me.
The story in the 6 O’clock news last night was how it was amazing the crash he was in with the other car with mother and child had no fatalities. Both cars basically pancakes.
I do understand. I was just trying to think how he may react if you sabotage his car. It may make things worse, although I appreciate it is hard to see how things can be worse from here!
The other issue with family members sabotaging the car is that they could be potentially held liable for doing so, criminal damage or worse, especially if the local police/authorities are already supportive of his continued driving.
Thank you for your view of Japanese society. It does not surprise me but what you told us I never thought that Japan is like this. Looking at a country as an tourist never gives you the real insight in a country. We watch a lot of Korean, Japanese series and see many differences but not what you explained. Living as a European in Japan means adapting a lot. Hope you succeed in what aiming for.
Did he learn to drive in Wiltshire? That sort of thing is (inexplicably) very common here, except it’s 43mph. I’ve been behind cars who go through a sequence of 60/50/40/30 zones, blithely sticking to a constant 43mph throughout. Bizarre.
Well I think there are some other “tools” in the sabotage box that don’t leave anyone liable. Replacing his USB Token car key with a memory stick and leaving the actual key in a “safe place” on his property. Getting my brother-in law to park his car in front of the garage and block the exit - which on paper that car actually belongs to my FiL so he can’t claim someone else’s car is blocking his exit.
Obviously the first thing to try is see whether me talking with him in a far more direct way than his family but not in front of his family (so as not to put his back against the proverbial wall in front of others) has any effect. I don’t think it will. Nagging and not getting in his car for 5 years should have been a strong enough message, but I guess it is the place to start anyway. Miracles happen I suppose.
But this is a guy who has chain smoked his life. Consumes copious amounts of whisky. Has a bad heart. Bad Liver. Just got over cancer and won’t change his lifestyle. And he works in healthcare! It is hard for people to put value on the lives of others when they place zero on their own.
Please excuse me if this is a totally impractical thought, but if the accident has been broadcast on the local news might there be someone in the media whom you could approach to keep media attention on the incident, especially the potential impact on the other driver.
This may cause sufficient embarrassment for the authorities to have no option but to take action.