You’re definitely on the same salary and bonus as everyone else.
USA October 1988. The Vice-Presidential debate - Bensten Quayle:
QUAYLE: “I have as much experience in the Congress as Jack Kennedy did when he sought the presidency.”
BENTSEN: “Senator, I served with Jack Kennedy, I knew Jack Kennedy, Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you are no Jack Kennedy.”
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Did you just say that or were you imitating an idiot.
I remember my late Godfather, who was a senior RAF officer, telling me that he saw a appraisal of a junior officer. It said: " This officer has spent his whole career pushing doors that said pull on them".
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From an Australian bowler to an English batsman, ‘why are you so fat’, reply , because every time I f*ck your wife she gives me a biscuit.
Tim
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From a staff appraisal “ X has hit rock bottom and has now started to dig”
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Noel Gallagher on his brother Liam - “He’s like a man with a fork, in a world of soup”
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I believe that was Eddo Brandes to Glenn McGrath. Another was:
"After Glen McGrath’s wife Jane was diagnosed with breast cancer, Australia were hosting a Test against the Windies.
The circumstances didn’t deter McGrath from verbally tormenting Sarwan at the crease:
“Sarwan, what does Brian Lara’s d**k taste like?” the Aussie asked. “Why don’t you ask your wife?” Sarwan responded.
“If you ever mention my wife again I’ll rip your f**king throat out,” McGrath threw back".
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When I started my first job in an engineering workshop. I had long hair in a pony tail.
Shouted across the workshop
’ what’s under a pony tail? An ar##hole!’
Needless to say I visited the barbers that weekend
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Don’t worry lamb tastes just as good over cooked as does cooked properly. 
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Labour won the first Brittish election after WWII. A few months later Winston Churchill was relieving himself in the Parlament men’s room when his successor, Clement Atlee, walked in. Churchill moved away and turned his back to Atlee whereapon Atlee commented ’Winston, you seem to be very stand-offish today’.
Churchill’s reply - ’It’s just that whenever you see something big you want to nationalise it’.
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What’s properly cooked
Regarding lamb.
Asking for a friend.
He’s so dense he can bend light.
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I am not about to enter into a battle of wits with an unarmed man, it wouldn’t be fair…
Best put down in a verbal altercation 
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Man to woman: Would you sleep with me for one million dollars?
Woman: Sure.
Man: How about for ten dollars?
Woman: What do you think I am?
Man: We’ve already established what you are. All we’re doing now is working out the price.
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Pink, but I guess it’s all about personal choices.
Angry man in a pub
‘what you lookin at?’
Reply
‘I don’t know, the labels fallen off!’
From one crafts man to another
‘Well, it’s ok, i mean it wouldn’t do for me, but for you its absolutely fine’
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Same riding instructor different lesson
Rode a movement not very well I must admit
Did it again marginally better
“Well that one was less worse”
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“Tell me, as a complete outsider, what is your opinion of the human race?”
I used that at work. He didn’t speak to me for two years. Which was nice. I think I acquired it from a similar thread on the old forum.
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