Sherlock Holmes lookalike has been following me.
Easy to spot.
So I wrote him a letter, ‘Deer Stalker…’
More knowledge than me I’m afraid.
Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, “Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill.”
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.
“Well,” said the other brother, “You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo.”
The England Cricket team.
Jesus walks into a bar.
“12 glasses of water, please” winks at disciples
An 80-year-old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.
“I’ve never been better!” he boasted.
“I’ve got an 18-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”
The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No, what?”
The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him.”
“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man.
“Someone else must have shot the bear.”
“That’s kind of what I’m getting at,” replied the doctor.
A woman in a diet club was lamenting about gaining weight. She’d made her family’s favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they’d eaten half of it at dinner.
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone.
The woman went on to tell how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. Everyone present commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.
She smiled. “He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!”
Our teacher asked us what our favourite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favourite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it any more.
I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”
Guess where I am now…….
“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”
“No sun”
Technically, Moses was the first person to download files from the cloud to a tablet.
“I’m leaving you, Thomas - and I’m taking the baby with me”
“Thank you!”
Very clever! 
I saw a midget climbing down a prison wall.
I thought, that’s a little condescending….