I would have thought a lip extension to your own arse would serve better. 
Apparently there are no canaries on the Canary Islands. The same applies to the Virgin Isles - there are no canaries there either.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia
One of my late dad’s quips in response to the parroted safety question ‘what steps do you take in the event of fire’.
Answer - ‘bl**dy great big ones!’
The island canary — native to the Canary Islands, Madeira, and the Azores. I saw some only this morning. Good joke though.
Ah well - good job I have never regarded jokes as infallible nuggets of truth 
What’s the difference between a conspiracy theory and the truth ?
About 6 months….
I hope this doesn’t offend. The reason I find it funny is that it was sent to me by an old friend who is a Vicar. Honestly.
Grandad tells inappropriate joke at the dinner table.
Grandad - what’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I’ve never had a lentil on me face for twenty quid!
Brilliant!
Excellent.
A grumpy Navy Captain saw a new face and shouted at him, “Come here! What’s your name, sailor?”
“James,” the new seaman answered.
“Listen carefully sailor, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by their first name,” the captain scowled. “It’s last names only; Carter, Davidson, Cooper, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Captain.’ Do I make myself clear?”
“Aye, Aye, Captain!”
“Now, what’s your last name?”
The sailor sighed. “Darling, My name is James Darling, Captain.”
“Okay, James, here’s what I want you to do…”
Reminds me of Blackadder Goes Forth.
