Try explain to an American that if his car breaks down , he needs assistance from the AA …
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A friend of mine complained that the range on his plug-in hybrid car was less than expected.
I told him to buy a longer lead.
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But it does sound like a much better idea.
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Very good
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I thought that The Princess Royal was ‘sorted’ for a husband.
Borrowed from another site …
Finally I have proof…
The earth is 80% water, and none of it is carbonated…
So that means the earth is flat. 
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We were getting ready to go out to dinner the other night.
Mrs DG was in the bathroom finishing off her bits, when she asked, “Does my bum look big in this?”
“Don’t be silly”, I said, “We’ve always had a small bathroom”.
.
.
.
.
Cancel the Taxi…
DG…
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—“Does my arse look big?”
—“Do I look stupid?”
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A middle-aged couple getting ready for a night out, when the wife turned to her husband.
Wife - “Just look at this! My boobs are drooping, my ass is huge, I’ve got thread-veins, cellulite and patchy skin all over my thighs. Just tell me one thing to make me feel good!”
Husband - “Nothing wrong with your eyesight”.
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As yet, that’s the only satisfactory explanation that I’ve heard.
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Flat and round aren’t mutually exclusive. What if the earth is shaped like a pancake?
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I think you’ll find that’s the universe itself. In fact, it’s commonly believed that multiple universes are stacked like a set of pancakes and where in places there are some fluffy gaps occurring, that’s when you get moments of divergence between them and peculiar things happen. Like having the World Cup in Qatar. In November.
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Commonly known locally as “flossing”.
The earth cannot be flat.
Because if it were, the cats would’ve pushed everything off the edge by now.
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The Termagant and I went for an Indian meal last night. We both had pelican curry. The food was great but the bill was huge.
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The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
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I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
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She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
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A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra
class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. -
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
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A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
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Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
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A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
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I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
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A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
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The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
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The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
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A backward poet writes inverse.
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In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
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When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
21.A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’ -
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
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Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
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There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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