Best jokes


#1

We can’t possibly have a Padded Cell without a Best Jokes thread? If anyone wants to pull rank and do this officially, that’s fine by me, but for now, here we go…for starters:


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#2

Nice start Chris !

Heard it before, but it still makes me smile !


#3

Knock knock?

Who’s there?

Dayjav.

Dayjav who?

Knock knock.


#4

Just tried ‘Beef Stew’ as my new forum password.

But it was rejected as it’s not stroganoff.


#5

Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.


#6

This new forum is a joke.


#7

Was that a joke? :clown_face:


#8

Have you tried bedroom rodeo?

Call out the name of your previous lover during sex and see how long you can ride.


#9

Employer; do you believe in the after life?

Employee; no boss there’s absolutely no proof.

Employer; I didn’t either till yesterday, however after you left early to attend your uncles funeral he turned up looking for you.


#10

WHAT did the doctor say to the patient with a strawberry growing out of his head?

I can give you some cream for that.


#12

Man caught on camera licking doorbell for 3 hours.

Don’t recognise his face, but his tongue rings a bell.


#14

Two elderly golfers:
Did you see where the ball fell?
Yes, but I forgot it.


#15

Two old ladies:
When I was young the doctor asked me to undress completely, now he only asks me to stick my tongue out.
How incredible the advance of medicine!


#16

This HAS to be posted. From the FB Tim Vine Joke Appreciation Group


#17

So much innuendo potential there for Sid and the Carry On team!


#18

That reminds me.

Q. What is the correct medical term for an Italian suppository?

A. An innuendo.

I’ll get me coat…


#20

WHAT is blue and square?

A banana in disguise.


#21

What does it say, that I can’t stop laughing at this one? Even my kids think it’s bad.


#22

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says, “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”


#23

Bloke driving along picks up a hitch-hiker.

After a few minutes the hitch-hiker says “aren’t you nervous about picking a hitch-hiker up, I could be a serial killer?”

The bloke says “nah, the odds of there being two serial killers in this car are astronomical.”