I got asked the other day if I wanted to go and see Lionel Richie. I told the guy nah I would rather go and see his sister mabawsa. (Say it quickly with the surname)
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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.
“Hello?”
“Mrs. Sanders, please.”
“Speaking.”
“Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.”
“What do you mean?” Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can’t tell which is which.”
“That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?” questioned Mrs. Sanders.
“Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for one of these expensive tests.”
''Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The folks at Alberta Health recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.
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Doctor:
“I’m sorry Mr Jones but we have your test results back and you don’t have long to live. In fact, you only have 10…”
“10 what? 10 months? 10 weeks “
“…9, 8, 7, 6, 5…”
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That’s hilarious, Hollow.
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An atheist was walking through the woods.
‘What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!’
He said to himself.
Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look…. and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could along the path.
He looked over his shoulder & saw the bear was closing on him….
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer…. and then…. he tripped and fell.
Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him………
Reaching towards him with its left paw……
And raising the right paw to strike…
At that instant the Atheist cried out,
‘Oh my God!’
Time stopped…
The bear froze…
The forest was silent…
A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky…
“You deny my existence for all these years, you teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident….
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light….
“It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now…
But perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”
…a pause…
“Very well,” said the voice…
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed….
The bear dropped his right arm…
Brought both paws together…
Bowed his head & spoke…
“Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive.
Amen.”
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Theres a scotsman an irishman and a Englishman. All 3 sit down for a pint. All of sudden 3 flys drop in each glass. The Englishman slides his glass and goes and gets an other pint. The irishman picks the fly out and carrys on drinking. The scotsman grabs the fly by the wings and says spit it out .
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Maturing in marriage is realising that when your wife asks for your opinion, what she really wants is to hear her opinion in a deeper voice.
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When I want your opinion I’ll give it to you.
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I can’t find a non-advert-filled link to post (so, under forum AUP, you’ll have to google it yourself), but in 2015 there was a story in the media about a couple celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. When he was asked for his advice for a long and happy marriage, and I quote, ‘Bill confided: “As long as you agree with a woman, you’ll be all right. I know the best answer is always, ‘Yes dear’.’
I’ve only been married for 22 years, so I’m in no position to comment.
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I was at the gym last night and noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to put a finger in. Anyway she made a formal complaint and now I am banned for life.
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Reminds me of the classic.
Is that a Nuneaton Bun?
Well get that uneaten Nuneaton bun eaten.
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