Best jokes

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I heard the England team lost to Iceland yesterday.

I hope they put in a better performance against Tesco and Sainsbury’s.

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Unlikely, might be better off against Aldi or Lidl

:grinning:

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I was at an ATM and this lady asked me to help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

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On my way home yesterday I saw a young lady stealing a gate.
I didn’t say anything, she might have taken a fence.

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I went shopping the other day and bought a twelve year old single malt whiskey. He was over the moon but his mum was livid.

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A widowed lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “How are you today?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked.

“First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago,” he replied and turned back to his book.

“I’m sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely,” she countered. ”Do you live around here?” she asked.

“Yes, nearby,” he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, “Do you like pussy cats?”

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”

The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?”

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30 people getting coffee versus 30 people enjoying coffee.

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I went to see my GP wearing cling film trousers and pants to prove my universal credit mental illness claim.

He said “I can clearly see your nuts”

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Careful!!

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I read a book about falling down a staircase.

I skipped the step by step guide.

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steve

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I know it’s a long shot, but does anyone know what a trebuchet is?

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