My wife just laughs at the constant CD arrivals and the various black boxes over the years. If the apartment is well maintained , the car is clean and all the bills (and Pension) are paid AND we can fit the trips in to our home countries , then all good here. Do find it a little sad if one has to hide purchases.
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My wife of 40 years has weathered my many obsessions. The hifi is just the latest. She has never once in all these years prevented me from buying what I wanted, not once. However, I had the common sense to realize what we could or could not afford. During this same time I have never told her no to anything she has ever wanted. Once again, she has the brains to know what we can afford. She doesnât âgetâ my upgrades nor do I âgetâ LV handbags and red bottom shoes. But it seems to work.
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Now that is something I cannot comprehend! A trend? How can that be? (As opposed to something enforced by COVID)
Remember the old, and very true, adage: happy wife, happy life. Very few men truly wear the trousers, or perhaps donât deign to don them even though they couldâŚ
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The Univeristy thing is interesting.
I think most of us would like to think we could support our kids through University should they be lucky enough or even want to go.
Support for costs of living etc is likely to be very helpful, however with regards to tuition fees Iâve heard many say itâs not particularly cost effective especially if the course does not necessarily lead to a particular level of income as effectively the student would defer tuition fee charges until they reach a good level of income. There may be more efficient ways of supporting your child financially than with tuition fees per se as much as it seems the right thing to do.
In the days of the old fashioned student grant I did not get one as my mother had a good wage as a headteacher. It seemed many students who did appeared far wealthier just that their parentsâ assets were tied up in land (eg farming) rather than regular income.
I agreed with her! HIFI and music are the last things to be considered and only when you have money to spare.
Fortuitously (or not as the case may be) when my father died money was invested and a decent Naim hifi was a âpresent for meâ.
This was 2005, the investment bombed and my wife noted that the Naim had proved the better investment, enjoyment was had and it was still worth something.
Before we married many presents from her to me were LPs and the first married Christmas present was a Bob Marley 4 CD set.
Down through the years we had audio cassettes for every summer holiday that now are part of our familyâs memories.
We donât necessarily listen to much music together but just this evening she was saying how much Roon and the various music systems in the house are making these sequential lockdowns more bearable.
A favourite memory of mine is having a 2 and 3 year old in the car rushing to collect our 5 year old from âbig schoolâ. I shut off the engine as Black Francis sang âand if the devil is sixâ for the first time. Jumping out and round to the passenger back upon opening the door I heard âthen God is 7, then God is 7â at the top of their young voices.
Music, where would we be without it?
< bit of a stream of consciousness I realise and not much help to the OP, but maybe he just needs to find that magic chord. >
.sjb
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I put together a Sonos zone out on our porch and one in the kitchen and family room She can play anything she wants. My main system is in the living room that is my audio room. Works fine. Truth is Iâve been married 35 years, and as B.B King said âThe thrill is goneâ
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Hi Owl, I am not sure the heart of your problem lies with expenditure. If your wife does not feel inclusive of your hobby then the expenditure will feel exclusive to her. She must have enjoyed music at some point can you not explore this and present suitable music say in the evening and in a suitable environment where she is comfortable a good DJ can sooth the wildest animal particularity if you know how to play music. There is a saying you have to give to get.
My wife has full access to my system and knows how to use it but she has never put on a CD and just sat and listened to it. Music is always just background to her whilst she is doing something else. I have bought her music by artists she likes in the past but some of it remains still cellophane wrapped.
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Agreed, you canât take it with you and itâs so wrong the tax man robs the dead.
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Ah - I wasnât paying tuition fees - this was living expenses. It was some of the money that I inherited.
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Before I was married, when I bought a flat in Oban the hifi was prioritised. I was quite prepared to sit on orange boxes and listen to good music, rather than sit on comfy chairs and have nothing to listen to.
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Likewise! And if a girl I met couldnât accept that, then she would not become my wife.
In the early days after marriage of course the cost of setting up home, and day to day living, then took precedence (and in those days mortgage interest rates were far higher than today, leaving little spare cash). But the hifi remained central and any excess money went on music first and improving hifi second. Once the hifi system had developed to a good level (and children developed to a good level), then other expenditure like holidays entered the scene, and in the past 15 years or so we have spent considerably more on them than on hifi & music. The richness of life from travel experience is very important to both of us these days, whereas music is really only important to me - but we are lucky enough to be able to be able to have both.
On the wider issues mentioned in this thread, surely in a loving relationship both parties would want to give to the other, which should naturally lead to a balance that as far as possible meets both peopleâs needs and desires. If it is all one-sided (in terms of fulfilment not money), with one person feeling that there is a lack of fairness, then there is something wrong, and perhaps what is needed is to talk about it, frankly and honestly.
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Forgive me, but I donât understand why, in a partnership, you refer to these gestures as you giving the money (rather than you and your wife giving it)
I would rather sit on a comfy chair, reading a book, sipping some whisky. Btw, I play piano and violin, so having some good HIFI hardware stuffs is just a bonus, or rather just they are just some nice toys.
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My OH accepts it as part of life. We all tick differently but our concensus has long been that as long as the bills are paid and we have our reasonable buffer to fall back on itâs not a big issue. I buy black boxes, she has a camper van, and we donât compare the numbers but accept that hobbies cost. On the quiet Iâm happy that she wants to run a camper van as it negates criticism of my black boxes; implicit is that itâs a mutual acceptance. The cost of a pile of Naim boxes isnât something to share but on the only occasion itâs been raised (by a sibling) the answer is quite simple - what else should we do with it? Save it for a rainy day? Covered. Big car? Not really thanks. Holidays. Yep, covered. Our 2 sprogs are both going through uni and have enough to enjoy it, current circumstances accepted and are aware that thereâs enough to cover additional costs and emergencies. We donât want them to be the flash Harrys chucking money around in the bar though.
Martin Lewis opined long ago that what works for one couple may not work for another, it all depends on what he labelled âyour financial personality.â Easy come easy go, spend it as soon as you get it, save a bit, save a lot, careful, cautious, on top of bank statements, OCD about every penny coming and going⌠the important factor was that the two halves of the partnership can co-exist - someone whoâs careful and likes to plan spending isnât going to be a good fit for someone who blows the lot on payday on clothes, a handbag and a night out (or a new cable, some CDs and tickets for Old Traffordâs best seatsâŚ)
For us, we arenât joined at the hip financially - thereâs a joint fund that we top up from time to time and use for bigger shared costs like new carpets, furniture, holidays etc but away from that weâre financially independant, and both love it that way. As above; costs and expenses are covered. I donât mind what she spends her money on, she doesnât care where my cash goes. As long as day to day costs and bills are covered itâs fine. Works for us, maybe not for others.
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Because she really didnât want to give the money. So it was me that gave it to here. If she had wanted to give the money, then of course it would have been we.
Was there a specific reason behind that?
I remember when a good friend of mine went to university, her parents had saved/planned to pay for her expenses there. The plan had been for years that my friend would go to the same uni her mother had went to when she was young.
Then on the last moment, my friend decided she didnât want to go to the uni her mother expected her to go, but to another one that she thought was more exciting. Her mother strongly objected but my friend insisted she wanted to go there.
Shortly before the first term started and when my friend started looking for housing near her new uni, her mother drove up to the house one day in a brand new red Saab convertible. She said to my friend, âLook what i got, isnât it beautiful? Iâve always wanted to have one!â.
Shortly afterwards my friend learned her mother had bought the car from the money that was saved for her going to university, there wasnât any left. Apparently when my friend decided to take a different path than her mother wanted her to, she had lost all privileges and was on her own.
Pretty insidious stuffâŚ
For the wedding, it was because it seemed to her to be ridiculous to spend so much money on the wedding reception - I guess hiring a pub for the evening was more what she had in mind. For the university, I have no idea why she thought we shouldnât be paying for her living expenses - thatâs what student loans are for.
Mind you, when she went to university, we got grants, so her parents didnât have to pay (I didnât get a grant - my father didnât want to apply because he assumed or believed that he earned to much to get a grant - I have no idea whether he was right or not).
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