Very much like that here. Money I inherited from parents and an aunt is joint money, to be spent on household things etc. Money my wife has inherited is hers, to be kept or spent exactly as she pleases. Money I spend on hifi or cameras is a total waste (even though I have usually managed to sell old pieces of hifi at a profit, and actually I think that I have upgraded over the years for a negative amount of money). As for advice - sorry, I have none.
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I have no trouble with what my wife does with money. She objects to pretty much anything that I spend money on. When we discuss it, she just gets very angry and somewhat abusive. I havenāt found a way round it yetā¦
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I think your wife understands you only too wellā¦sorry.
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When I inherited from my parentsā deaths, we ādiscussedā what to do with the money. My wife wanted to pay off the mortage. I didnāt - I would rather invest the money because the growth from that was likely to exceed the interest on the mortgage. We paid off the mortgage. The investments that we did have grew faster than the interest payments.
When she inherited some money, there was no discussion - it was hers to do with as she wished.
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My wife appreciates our stereo, although we donāt talk about what it cost in the whole.
It is clearly a frivolous and idiotic use of our relatively limited resources.
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Great post.
My wife never really found time for music until we had a decent Hifi but does much more now, and we can share that. She increasingly enjoys live music, more than I do probably. She also has a say in upgrades. Her review of HDX >> NDS was just to keep grabbing the remote. Result.
Our other significant luxury expenditure is art. Again we have different tastes but with overlap. It gets spent according to what we see and like. Not hisānāhers but ours, even bits that the other does not like much.
It is being interested in each others individual enthusiasms, you donāt have to have the same or even āunderstandā them (to use the OPās term).
Mind you she likes āThe Crownā, which is almost beyond the pale I reckon!
Bruce
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We have the opposite situation here. The wife is fully convinced that she has been married to the most boring wimp who has no interest in upgrading his Hi Fi, refuses to last after fancy cars and buys himself new shoes only under the point of her gun.
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Get a grip man and get spending some money 
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I truly believe that no one understands anyone.
The merest conceding to others thoughts within past principles gives those others the disposition that they truly believe they can read minds.
Once those others are convinced of their abilities they then go on to expect others than themselves to read their minds.
Of coarse no one can read anyoneās mind - telepathy ?
Thus perpetuating falsehoods.
But it is always worth making an effort to try pretending.
Dear friend as I understand you, I have your same problems and maybe even more serious than yours ā¦ Donāt give up, never give up, pissed off, pissed off, life is unique, live and do what you want ā¦
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My missus and myself are āon trendā, as we are together but living apart, and itās distinctly spooky the number of times we discover that we have cooked and enjoyed exactly the same evening meal.
When she came with me to collect my latest Audi, sheād already spotted out the one she would buy, and that was indeed āthe oneā.
During her pre-Christmas shopping, she treated herself to only one item, and was amused when the same item turned up amongst my Christmas gifts to her.
No hint of disappointment, rather an acknowledgement that I know her only too well.
Works for me.
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I am sorry to read about your difficult relationship. If she is being abusive then she is definitely in the wrong.
Thanks for all of the replies and pearls of wisdom. When I started this thread I did not think it would turn into a marriage guidance discussion! I am glad it has taken on a lighter tone whilst appreciating that I need to include my wife in my spending choices and help to give her more time for herself. In my own defence I am lucky if get 5 hours of quality listening time in a week so I hardly feel I am being too selfish for my hobby. As someone said
earlier, it keeps me off the streets and out of trouble!
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This sounds a lot like my parents. My dad used to be the breadwinner and my parents had a joint account that my mom spent most of the money from. Then when my dad retired my mom started a āfun side jobā because she wanted something to do, and the money from that was placed in her own personal account.
Now even 30 years later, my dad at 87 years old can hardly buy anything for himself, his money is still on the joint account so therefore subject to momās scrutiny (and criticism). At the same time, mom spoils herself using money from her personal account, no criticism allowed because āitās her moneyā.
Itās really unhealthy i think, and it has everything to do with fear and control. My dad has been conditioned over the years and chooses the path of least resistance, but each time i am confronted with one of those situations itās difficult to not speak up. Sometimes i do, but then my dad quickly shuts me down because he doesnāt want to create unnecessary tensions.
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Smoked or Green ?
Iāve always preferred smoked bacon, otherwise whatās the point ?
Lifeās short so a bit of bothā¦weāre quite adventurous that way!
G
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I discussed it with my wife and she says it mostly comes down to good communication and respect for each otherās differences and behaviors inclined by our own families.
In our situation, Iām the income earner and my wife is happy for me to have a hobby that gives me joy, provided Iām sensible. We donāt get into detail about the cost of some of it, as we look at the big picture of saving enough for retirement and I can adjust my work hours to save more for a purchase, so itās pretty flexible.
If a courier arrives and Iām not home, my wife texts me that itās arrived and leaves it on my desk.
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I must be real lucky to have a understanding wife what ever we have done itās been a joint decision she has her passions and I have mine we never ask what has cost what to be honest. We have separate bank accounts we both know who erns what and as long as the bills are paid we donāt mind who spends what
To be honest Iāve never ever known her moan about anything Iāve spent money on and vice versa Iāve never moaned what she has spent her money on we never ever argue or disagree
Like I say Iām very lucky but I do give her 100% respect as she does me and there are no secrets between us maybe thatās the secret
If she buys a thing she will say so wether itās a new car or clothes and the same goes for me Iāll just say Iāve ordered so and so will you be in to take delivery
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OK, Assuming you havnāt already ordered the Harley I suggested earlier, how about some thought provoking discussions to put things into perspective, along the line of:
So If I smoked 20 a day, in about 4 years time I would have spent about Ā£15,000 and have absolutely nothing to show for it except for a shortened lifespan and stinky breath.
Or If i drank 2 pints of beer a day, then inā¦ etc
If she tells you to crack on and take up smoking you know somethings really wrong!
Many years ago, when CDs were relatively new, and we both smoked cigarettes, I suggested that we give up smoking and put the money we save into a box, and when we have enough (about Ā£200 IIRC) then we could buy a Philips CD player. She agreed, we bought one (and the obligatory Dire Straits CD). That was about the last time that things worked out well in that regard.
We didnāt have any children at the time, and both said that we didnāt want any. Some time later she demanded that we have children. My views on the matter were irrelevant and wrong. We had a daughter - and I must admit I love her to bits. (she cost far more than everything that I have spent on HiFi and photography). Daughter got married a couple of years ago, and I paid for the reception and hotel - it didnāt seem a lot to me (it was about Ā£5000 or so). My wife thinks that it was a waste of money. She also thought that my giving money to our daughter to go to university was wrong. Iām not sure what money is for if it isnāt for things like that.
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