Best jokes


#24

Archaeologists digging in a Pyramid in Egypt have found a Mummy covered in Chocolate and Hazelnuts.

They believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.


#25

A co-worker asked me:

“Could you be any more annoying?”

So the next day I wore tap shoes to work and played my Banjo all day.


#26

“Do you have pets?”
“Yes; a goldfish.”
“Any hobbies?”
“Well actually, he really loves swimming.”


#27

Paddy says to Mick, “I can’t remember the name of that historical Greek film that Brad Pitt was in?”

“Troy” said Mick.

Paddy replied “I feckin’ am, but I still can’t remember!”


#28

A sign of the times is that a lot of elderly people have to continue working.

This old guy went for an interview:

Human Resource interviewer, “What would you say is your main weakness?”

Elderly man, “Honesty.”

Human Resource interviewer, “Honesty? I don’t think that’s a weakness.”

Elderly man, “I don’t give a feck what you think.” :face_with_raised_eyebrow:


#29

Damn !
I’ve just lost the bidding on a genuine native American Indian teepee on eBay. If only I’d submitted a Hiawatha.


#30

Tony - if we’re going this way, what about:

Lone Ranger asks Tonto, who’s lying on the ground, how many men and horses went by here and when. Tonto responds: 5 men and 6 horses 10 minutes ago. Long Ranger is very impressed and asks Tonto how he can be so sure. Tonto responds: They ran over me!!


#31

Walked passed the fridge earlier and thought i heard an onion singing a BeeGees song. But when I opened the fridge door it was just a chive talkin…

I asked the chive if it wanted to be an onion? But it said ‘i’m stayin’ a chive, stayin’ a chive, ah, ah, ah, ah stayin’ a chive…


#32

Debs, so bad, it is good!:joy:


#33

What do you get if you cross a cockerel with a poodle ?

A cockapoodledoo


#34

…and a cockapoo is a cross between a cockatoo and a poodle.


#35

Ah yes, the stereotypes


#36

Teeny pop sensations Stepstoe:


#37

I’ve written a book about poltergeists… it’s flying off the shelves


#38

Today I’m going to be helping out a Tyrannosaurus Rex family in their shop - they’re a bit short-handed.


#39

How do you make a woman’s toes curl in bed?

Make love to her with her tights on…


#40

A school teacher, in a lesson about life, puts a pint glass on the counter and fills it with large-ish pebbles and says to the class, ‘who thinks the glass is full’ - a few hands go up.

They (the teacher) proceed to pour some pea shingle in to the glass, which slips alongside the larger stones. They asks the same question - a few more hands go.

They then pour sand in to the top of the glass and give it a good shake and level the sand across the stop. Same question asked - a few more hands go up. The teacher says, the next bit is the lesson of the exercise:

They open a can of beer and dribble it in to the glass, so that the sand gradually absorbs the liquid - it takes quite a lot.

The purpose of the tale - there’s always room for beer :smiley:

…other alcoholic drinks are available!


#41

Just seen a dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!


#42

Sitting out in the sun drinking a beer, you begin to ponder on all the important issues in life.

For example, women always complain about the pain of giving birth and say that it’s worse than a man getting kicked in the nuts.

I gave this some thought and came up with the solution.

A year or so after giving birth, women quite often decide they want to do it again.

Never heard about a man asking to be kicked in the nuts again.

Problem solved, time for another beer.


#43

I was named after my Dad, which makes sense - he was born before I was.