Archaeologists digging in a Pyramid in Egypt have found a Mummy covered in Chocolate and Hazelnuts.
They believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.
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A co-worker asked me:
“Could you be any more annoying?”
So the next day I wore tap shoes to work and played my Banjo all day.
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“Do you have pets?”
“Yes; a goldfish.”
“Any hobbies?”
“Well actually, he really loves swimming.”
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Paddy says to Mick, “I can’t remember the name of that historical Greek film that Brad Pitt was in?”
“Troy” said Mick.
Paddy replied “I feckin’ am, but I still can’t remember!”
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A sign of the times is that a lot of elderly people have to continue working.
This old guy went for an interview:
Human Resource interviewer, “What would you say is your main weakness?”
Elderly man, “Honesty.”
Human Resource interviewer, “Honesty? I don’t think that’s a weakness.”
Elderly man, “I don’t give a feck what you think.” 
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Damn !
I’ve just lost the bidding on a genuine native American Indian teepee on eBay. If only I’d submitted a Hiawatha.
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Tony - if we’re going this way, what about:
Lone Ranger asks Tonto, who’s lying on the ground, how many men and horses went by here and when. Tonto responds: 5 men and 6 horses 10 minutes ago. Long Ranger is very impressed and asks Tonto how he can be so sure. Tonto responds: They ran over me!!
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Walked passed the fridge earlier and thought i heard an onion singing a BeeGees song. But when I opened the fridge door it was just a chive talkin…
I asked the chive if it wanted to be an onion? But it said ‘i’m stayin’ a chive, stayin’ a chive, ah, ah, ah, ah stayin’ a chive…
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Debs, so bad, it is good!
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What do you get if you cross a cockerel with a poodle ?
A cockapoodledoo
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…and a cockapoo is a cross between a cockatoo and a poodle.
Ah yes, the stereotypes
I’ve written a book about poltergeists… it’s flying off the shelves
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Today I’m going to be helping out a Tyrannosaurus Rex family in their shop - they’re a bit short-handed.
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How do you make a woman’s toes curl in bed?
Make love to her with her tights on…
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A school teacher, in a lesson about life, puts a pint glass on the counter and fills it with large-ish pebbles and says to the class, ‘who thinks the glass is full’ - a few hands go up.
They (the teacher) proceed to pour some pea shingle in to the glass, which slips alongside the larger stones. They asks the same question - a few more hands go.
They then pour sand in to the top of the glass and give it a good shake and level the sand across the stop. Same question asked - a few more hands go up. The teacher says, the next bit is the lesson of the exercise:
They open a can of beer and dribble it in to the glass, so that the sand gradually absorbs the liquid - it takes quite a lot.
The purpose of the tale - there’s always room for beer 
…other alcoholic drinks are available!
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Just seen a dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!
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Sitting out in the sun drinking a beer, you begin to ponder on all the important issues in life.
For example, women always complain about the pain of giving birth and say that it’s worse than a man getting kicked in the nuts.
I gave this some thought and came up with the solution.
A year or so after giving birth, women quite often decide they want to do it again.
Never heard about a man asking to be kicked in the nuts again.
Problem solved, time for another beer.
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I was named after my Dad, which makes sense - he was born before I was.
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