Best jokes


Archaeologists digging in a Pyramid in Egypt have found a Mummy covered in Chocolate and Hazelnuts.

They believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.


A co-worker asked me:

“Could you be any more annoying?”

So the next day I wore tap shoes to work and played my Banjo all day.


“Do you have pets?”
“Yes; a goldfish.”
“Any hobbies?”
“Well actually, he really loves swimming.”


Paddy says to Mick, “I can’t remember the name of that historical Greek film that Brad Pitt was in?”

“Troy” said Mick.

Paddy replied “I feckin’ am, but I still can’t remember!”


A sign of the times is that a lot of elderly people have to continue working.

This old guy went for an interview:

Human Resource interviewer, “What would you say is your main weakness?”

Elderly man, “Honesty.”

Human Resource interviewer, “Honesty? I don’t think that’s a weakness.”

Elderly man, “I don’t give a feck what you think.” :face_with_raised_eyebrow:


Damn !
I’ve just lost the bidding on a genuine native American Indian teepee on eBay. If only I’d submitted a Hiawatha.


Tony - if we’re going this way, what about:

Lone Ranger asks Tonto, who’s lying on the ground, how many men and horses went by here and when. Tonto responds: 5 men and 6 horses 10 minutes ago. Long Ranger is very impressed and asks Tonto how he can be so sure. Tonto responds: They ran over me!!


Walked passed the fridge earlier and thought i heard an onion singing a BeeGees song. But when I opened the fridge door it was just a chive talkin…

I asked the chive if it wanted to be an onion? But it said ‘i’m stayin’ a chive, stayin’ a chive, ah, ah, ah, ah stayin’ a chive…


Debs, so bad, it is good!:joy:


What do you get if you cross a cockerel with a poodle ?

A cockapoodledoo


…and a cockapoo is a cross between a cockatoo and a poodle.


Ah yes, the stereotypes


Teeny pop sensations Stepstoe:


I’ve written a book about poltergeists… it’s flying off the shelves


Today I’m going to be helping out a Tyrannosaurus Rex family in their shop - they’re a bit short-handed.


How do you make a woman’s toes curl in bed?

Make love to her with her tights on…


A school teacher, in a lesson about life, puts a pint glass on the counter and fills it with large-ish pebbles and says to the class, ‘who thinks the glass is full’ - a few hands go up.

They (the teacher) proceed to pour some pea shingle in to the glass, which slips alongside the larger stones. They asks the same question - a few more hands go.

They then pour sand in to the top of the glass and give it a good shake and level the sand across the stop. Same question asked - a few more hands go up. The teacher says, the next bit is the lesson of the exercise:

They open a can of beer and dribble it in to the glass, so that the sand gradually absorbs the liquid - it takes quite a lot.

The purpose of the tale - there’s always room for beer :smiley:

…other alcoholic drinks are available!


Just seen a dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!


Sitting out in the sun drinking a beer, you begin to ponder on all the important issues in life.

For example, women always complain about the pain of giving birth and say that it’s worse than a man getting kicked in the nuts.

I gave this some thought and came up with the solution.

A year or so after giving birth, women quite often decide they want to do it again.

Never heard about a man asking to be kicked in the nuts again.

Problem solved, time for another beer.


I was named after my Dad, which makes sense - he was born before I was.