Best jokes

The 8 stages of isolation

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I’m already a devout Cornish Pastyfarian
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:pray:

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Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.

The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him: "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100.”

The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald Trump shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?”

The American diplomats reply: “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can’t take the risk.”

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I had a friend who failed his Australian music exam.
I asked him “did you redo it” ?

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You left out “…down, sport?”

:smile:

Coat. Got.

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Been in isolation for two weeks now. Conversation with my dear wife is getting better. I just found out she doesn’t work for Woolworths anymore😁

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I finished Netflix today!

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Just seen a guy in Aldi buying a chorizo, a sombrero and some paella…

I thought to myself… I can’t believe it…

Hispanic buying!

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Haven’t heard that one since primary school.

Gunfire. Two soldiers take cover.
“Sarge, is it an ambush?”
“No, it’s a fackin’ bacon tree.”

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I just found an old pair of flares in the wardrobe. Took me back to those far-off heady days in the 70s - when I worked on the Lifeboats.

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When shopping in Waitrose ensure other shoppers stay the recommended 2 metres away by taking a Lidl carrier bag with you.

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Just finished fitting the new kitchen shes been after
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Another from the Ciren’ FB page … ‘it’s not my dog’

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Cant wait to see the smile on her face when she sees the finished stairs!

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Then on to the bathroom…

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Got told by the boss today to work from home.
“No worries” I said, “I didn’t realise I was so indispensable.”
“Your not” he said, “it’s because you don’t do sweet FA anyway.

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