The 8 stages of isolation
I’m already a devout Cornish Pastyfarian
Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.
The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him: "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100.”
The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald Trump shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?”
The American diplomats reply: “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can’t take the risk.”
I had a friend who failed his Australian music exam.
I asked him “did you redo it” ?
You left out “…down, sport?”
Coat. Got.
Been in isolation for two weeks now. Conversation with my dear wife is getting better. I just found out she doesn’t work for Woolworths anymore😁
I finished Netflix today!
Just seen a guy in Aldi buying a chorizo, a sombrero and some paella…
I thought to myself… I can’t believe it…
Hispanic buying!
Haven’t heard that one since primary school.
Gunfire. Two soldiers take cover.
“Sarge, is it an ambush?”
“No, it’s a fackin’ bacon tree.”
I just found an old pair of flares in the wardrobe. Took me back to those far-off heady days in the 70s - when I worked on the Lifeboats.
When shopping in Waitrose ensure other shoppers stay the recommended 2 metres away by taking a Lidl carrier bag with you.
Just finished fitting the new kitchen shes been after
Got told by the boss today to work from home.
“No worries” I said, “I didn’t realise I was so indispensable.”
“Your not” he said, “it’s because you don’t do sweet FA anyway.