Damn cat just asked me if I want the radio left on while he goes out. Barsteward!
An American checks into a London hotel having had a bad day. He asks the receptionist where the elevator is.
He is told the “lift” is around the corner from reception.
The American says “It’s called AN ELEVATOR! WE INVENTED IT!”
The receptionist replies “Yes sir, but we invented the language and so it’s a lift.”
Husband -
My wife is missing.
She went out yesterday and has not come home…
Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?
Husband:
I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant:
Weight?
Husband:
Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant:
Colour of eyes?
Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant:
Colour of hair?
Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.
Sergeant:
What was she wearing?
Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don’t know exactly.
Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:
She went in my Porsche
Sergeant:
What kind of Porsche was it?
Husband: (sobbing)
Porsche 991.2 Carrera C4S 7 speed PDK
Ambient Lighting pack - Creats headrests. heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver’s information system, PCM Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black alcantara headlining, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with Black badges. Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - Non smoking pack - Rain sensing wipers, gloss black alloys, PCCB, glass roof, colour coded xenon washer jets, red seat belts.
Sergeant:
Don’t worry mate, I’m sure we’ll find your Porsche…
That’s funny. Just read that our to Mrs Pete, she did laugh I think
He writes all his own material ya know.
I’m sure he does. I did read out the reader’s digest version of the description of the Porsche though.
An American tourist waits at a pedestrian crossing.
Hearing the Beeping sound he turns to the person next to him and enquires
“Hey buddy, what’s with the beeping noise?”
“Oh, that’s to alert blind people” the person replies
" Geez, you gotta be kiddin’, says the American, “Back in the states we dont allow blind people to drive”
I knew I shouldn’t have eaten those wild mushrooms!
The Abbot summons all the Monks to a meeting.
“Brothers! We all adhere strictly to our vow of silence, I have decided however that once every 5 years I will allow one Brother to speak about any issue.
Brother John says, “I have a complaint about our morning porridge, it’s always cold!”
“Thank you Brother John” says the Abbot, I will see that its rectified immediately”
5 years passes
“Brothers another 5 years has passed who would like to apeak?” Asks the Abbot.
Brother John says “I’m still not happy about the morning porridge, there’s salt in it!”
“Sorry about that Brother John, says the Abbot, I will have it rectified”
Another 5 years passes
“Brothers another 5 years has passed who has anything to say?”
Brother John says “The morning porridge is worse, it’s got lumps in it!
“Sorry Brother John, I will have it rectified”
Another 5 years;
" So Brothers another 5 years has come to pass, who has…
Brother Paul leaps to his feet, " I wish to announce that I’m leaving!”
“Why my dear Brother, have you lost faith?” Asks the Abbot
“No, I’m pissed off with Brother John’s constant whingeing!”
What do you call a Rastaman smoking two spliffs?
Double jointed
Rastaman walks into a bank with a 25kg bag of marijuana and hands it over to the cashier… Shocked, the cashier asks…“What’s this for?” The Rastafarian replies…“Me here to open a joint account”