Best jokes


#44

My electric toothbrush ran out of charge this morning, so I had to use my acoustic one.


#45

Having read the AA’s guidance for travellers in this cold weather, I did as they recommended and prepared a kit of a blanket, jumper leads, drinks bottle, extra clothing, emergency food parcel - not forgetting the de-icer and a spare can of fuel.

…only one problem, the bus driver wouldn’t let me on.


#46

There are 3 unwritten rules in life.


#47

I’ve finally reached the age where food is more gratifying than sex, and in good taste,I’ve had the mirror on the bedroom ceiling moved into the kitchen.


#48

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly.


#49

That’s soo bad it’s funny


#50

I ordered a mail-order bride, but unfortunately I was out when she was delivered, so now she’s married to my neighbour.


#51

Went to waterstones the other day for a book on turtles… The assistant said “Hardback?”. I said, “Aye, with little heads”


#52

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in
Uxbridge because the waitresses were pretty and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good
value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.


#54

That, my friend, is brilliant.

Tommy Cooper would be proud of that one.


#55

A guy walks into the library and asks … Do you have any books on suicide?
The librarian replies … We should do but the borrowers never bring them back.


#56

Will those present who believe in telekinesis please raise my right hand.


#57

Where do you go to weigh a whale ?

A whale weigh Station.


#58

I wish there were more tree jokes. Unfortunately, they aren’t that poplar.


#59

I saw the weirdest thing ever today: I threw a sausage off the pier and some blind man jumped in after it. Then, when he reappeared out of the water, he had metamorphosed into a Labrador.


#60

i’m sorry to hear yew pine…


#61

Pochettino’s first win at Spurs’ new ground will be when he visits as new Man Utd manager next season.


#62

Ouch!


#63

Good to see a tiny revival of tree jokes. As they say, from little acorns…

I’ll get me coat.


#64

I don’t do tree jokes. But we had tree fellers in for some work last week, Paddy Mick & Seamus.