I bought a cheap wig online, for a couple of quid.
It was a small price to pay. 
“I think we took a wrong turn at that last junction”
Brings a new meaning to travel by tube.
“Ok guys, which one of you agreed to free delivery on that pipe order?”
Oh, there have to be more answers than that …
Living 5 miles from Hebden Bridge, that’s popped up on a lot of the local social media sites. 
From 1984, my all time favourite joke:-
Jack Nicklaus meets Stevie Wonder at a celebrity cocktail party.
J- Hi Stevie, how’s it going?
S- Great Jack, I’ve just taken up golf & with all the long walks & fresh air I’ve never felt so good.
J- Fantastic that you’ve taken up my game but if you don’t mind me asking, how can you play when you are blind?
S- Everyone asks that Jack. It’s easy. I go round with a sighted person who tells me which direction the hole is & also how far away it is. I then weight my swing accordingly. Fancy a round sometime?
J- Certainly.
S- Let’s make it interesting, $5,000 to the winner.
J- I don’t play friends for money, it only causes trouble.
S- Okay, $10,000 to the winner.
J- Stevie, I am the worlds greatest ever golfer & I don’t play pals for money. It would cost me a lot of friends.
S- Hah, I know your game Jack, $50,000 to the winner.
Jack is getting very irritated by this stage & thinks ‘well if this idiot wants to throw his money away, at least he can afford it’
J- OK Stevie. I’ll give you a game, $50,000 to the winner. When do you want to play?
S- I don’t mind Jack, any night will suit me………….
Jack who…?!
Now corrected!
A woman is in court charged with shoplifting a tin of peaches & pleads guilty to the offence.
The judge comes to sentencing & says ‘you will go to prison for the same number of weeks that correspond to the number of peaches in this tin’.
He opens the tin & counts 7 peaches & says ‘I therefore sentence you to 7 weeks imprisonment, take her away’.
As she is lead from the court her husband, who has been watching from the public gallery, leaps up & shouts to the judge ‘She also nicked a tin of peas your honour’…………
I am not a golfer, but I think this strikes a chord with quite a few: -
Fred & Charlie are playing each other, £100 to the winner.
Tied on the 18th, Fred has only to sink a simple 18” putt to win when he spies a funeral hearse passing along the road nearest to the green.
He immediately puts his club down, takes of his cap & stands silently for a minute.
His composure now gone, he picks up his club & misses the easy putt.
Charlie says, ‘that was a fine show of respect Fred’.
Fred replies, ‘Well, it was the least I could do. She was a really good wife to me’………….
Which composer had a piano with a missing leg?
Liszt.
