Busted?
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Half of parenting is just moving cups away from the edge of tables.
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Don’t do that, you’ll get the poor tiger shot, and might lose an arm.
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With apologies.
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica – where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
Then, they kick him in the ice hole.
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During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, “that’s a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!”
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her paediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby’s ears.
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, “And all these years, I’ve been chewing gum.”
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From the R4 comedy slot just now:
'Back in the 1970s, a packet of three condoms was about 50p. Nowadays that would be £6.99. But if you are worried about inflation…
…you are probably putting them on wrong.’
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When our second child was born, here in NZ, as part of the post natal care we were prescribed what was quoted as a six month supply of condoms. There were 144 condoms in the pack. I felt exhausted even looking at the box.
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You do know that you can’t use them twice, don’t you?
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That reminds me of the old joke about the US military parachuting large size condoms into the USSR, but they were marked “small”.
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Thats gross!
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How dare they enforce a limit. 
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I remember a craze from my 6th form days for condoms to be inflated over the head, to be clear the one with nose, mouth and two eyes, so the wearer looked a bit like a cone-head (though I’d never heard of them until a certain Frank Zappa track). It was surprising how big they would go without bursting. It might be considered wasteful but most of those doing it had no other use for them after all. Do teenagers still play this game?
I believe they do although these days they do it with unused condoms
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