Two goldfish were in a tank together. One says to the other “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
10 Likes
Yesterday I was washing my car with my son. He said “Dad, can’t you use a sponge instead?”
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One of my enduring favourites…
Two birds sitting on a perch.
One says “Can you smell fish?”
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I asked my elderly neighbour if she would give me a ride on her stairlift for £10. I think she’s going to take me up on it.
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I think numbers 8 and 9 are far better jokes.
I’m going out with a girl that works at the zoo. I think she’s a keeper.
That’s a joke!!
17 Likes
Bloke walks into the pub with a lump of asphalt.
“Pint of lager please barman. And one for the road.”
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I went to the doctor this morning.
I said “Have you got anything for wind?”
He gave me a kite.
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Cleaned the attic with my wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.
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Went back to the doctor.
Said ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places.”
“Well stop going to those places”.
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Then I had a ploughman’s lunch.
He wasn’t happy.
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As I was walking home, you know those trick candles that come alight again? There was a fire at the factory that makes them.
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But not for that red asphalt - he’s a bit of a cycle path
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Then I went to the library and shouted ‘Aaaarrrghh!’ And was told to shut up.
Strange, when I did that on the plane, everyone joined in.
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Stopped by the corner shop.
Bought four corners.
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That evening I went to the butchers to get something for dinner.
I bet him fifty quid he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf.
He declined.
Said the steaks were too high.
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Deffo got your Tim Vine hat on today. 
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You beat me to it!
2 Likes