An X parrot?
G
Very good. 
I’ve just found out that Albert Einstein was a real person!
All this time I’ve been thinking that he was a theoretical physicist!
Maths anxiety is a thing apparently.
It affects as many as one in three British teenagers. One in five adults.
Don’t believe me? Now express those figures as percentages.
“Daddy, I had my first sexual experience today”
“That’s great, son. Sit down and tell me all about it.”
“Sorry, I can’t!”
No, no, no.
So when someone ask you " Where is your Christmas Spirit?" is it so wrong to point out your liquor cabinet?
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present’s beneath them.
It’s that time of year again
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It’s Saint-NICKEL-LESS
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Dear Christmas Carolers, the only thing that can bring “Joy To The World” is a “Silent Night”.
What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate clauses
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
SANTA IS A YORKSHIREMAN by Chris Burdon…
Santa is a Yorkshireman
Of this I’m fairly sure
I heard him tiptoe in my room
At roughly Ten to four
“I 'ope tha’s fast asleep” he said
“Or tha’ll get nowt my lad”
He smelled of Hi Karate
(Must av pinched it from my dad)
Just down stairs I’d left a treat
Santa loves a beer
He loves pork pies and single malt
That was Dad’s idea
When I woke next morning
I ran down stairs to see
If Santa had been kind enough
To leave gifts under t’tree
He got our mam a Nightie
And a pair of china pigs
Our dad got socks and undies
And 200 park lane cigs
My sister got a Barbie
Sat on a plastic horse
A One Direction annual
Which she loved of course
When I unwrapped my parcels
My Yorkshire heart did sing
Each gift that Santa gave me
A truly wondrous thing
A flat cap for my noggin
A vest of finest string
The ferret keepers handbook
Each gift fit for a king
So thank you Santa thank you
You surely are a tyke
But can you please remember
Next year I’d like a bike
Our cats watching the miniature Christmas Train ornament reminded me of this.
G
How many Freudian’s does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One who is changing the light bulb and one who is holding the peni…Ladder!
A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!” The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replies, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”
