Best jokes

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a pub. The first guy says, “Let’s go in for a pint.”

The second guy says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”

First guy: “Sure they will; just follow my lead.”

The first guy goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with a dog.”

He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my guide dog.” The doorman says, “Okay then, come on in.”

The second guy follows his lead does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.”

He replies, “I’m also blind and this is my guide dog.”

The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a guide dog?”

The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”

9 Likes

steve

15 Likes

When you want to spend some time listening to that soundtrack in your head.

7 Likes

…Riding the gravy train…Have a cigar.

3 Likes

Looks like Richard Gere has let himself go a bit :wink:

8 Likes

I got a job sketching suspects at the police station. I’m a con artist.

16 Likes

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.

Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon.

“It’s very brave of you to come out here,” says Matthew. “Please tell the audience what happened.”

“Well,” replies Simon, “about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn’t save my legs.”

“That’s terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?” asks Matthew.

"No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died. But they also said that his legs were fine and, with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful.
“I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.”

A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

Kelly responds with:
“That’s an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?”

“Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Half-uncle.”

16 Likes

When I was very young, I was certain that birds came from bird seeds - hence the name. My parents asked me to prove it to them, so I planted a pile of them in the garden. Next day, there were loads of birds there, proving that I was right.

10 Likes

What do you call a clairvoyant midget who is on the run from the police.

A small medium at large.

6 Likes

6 Likes

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer:

“All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

12 Likes

steve

14 Likes

That’s what happens when you poke at the art…

17 Likes

6 Likes


Making the first pothole on/in the Severn Bridge.

8 Likes

IMG_3240

IMG_3239

22 Likes

They’re turning the BT Tower into a hotel, apparently the reception will be brilliant.

9 Likes

The contractors are hoping for a fast turnaround. :wink:

4 Likes

15 Likes

Err - neither of our carriers are currently serviceable as I understand it???

Regards

Richard

2 Likes