A soldier stationed abroad recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Jack,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love,
Becky
The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Jack included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope… along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remember who the hell you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Jack.
Yes, ironic colours such as:
irony
coppery
silvery
…
others
The bloke who invented the throat lozenges has died…
The vicar said it was a lovely service but strange as their was no coffin at the funeral!
Taking meals-on-wheels home delivery to another level me thinks 
That must be what they mean by cutting a disc. 
My wife was standing, looking at herself in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
I’m not brave enough to like this
No surviving husbands are.
“It’s not the cough that carries you off,
It’s the coffin they carry you off in”
A chemistry professor wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment involving a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, as happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in the back, raised his hand and wisely responded…
“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”
I’ve been drinking too much Fanta.
My doctor is saying I am at risk of becoming Fantastic.