Recently I’ve been producing Excel spreadsheets for The Mob. Organised crime.
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I told my wife she’d drawn her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
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I have severe kleptomania. When it gets bad, I take something for it.
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Bought some shoes from my drug dealer. Don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
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My wife told me to stop behaving like a flamingo. That’s when I put my foot down.
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My friend said, “What rhymes with Orange?” I said “No it doesn’t.”
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Last night, my wife and I watched three movies back to back. Fortunately I was the one facing the telly.
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I never knew my wife would turn into a roadworks thief. But when I got home, the signs were all there.
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I always get my nan bread from my local favourite Indian restaurant.
I don’t know why, she’s been dead for 20 years.
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And this is absolutely true.
I went to the photography show at the NEC at the weekend. Of course I had to get the shuttle bus from the car park which was about a mile away from the halls, as it was rammed due to a number of different exhibitions were on.
When the bus moved off, the driver said “Good Morning ladies and gentlemen, there are four shows on today, our first stop will be for The Dyslexia Show. The second stop will be at the…wait…uh…I can’t read what it says here…”
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My wife told me to put tomato sauce on the shopping list. Now I can’t read any of it.
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Good grief, which car park were you in? I was in East 1 on Saturday and it was not much more than a 10 minute walk.
I confess though, that after a full (and enjoyable) day there, I did get the bus back out…. 
(the bank balance took only a very small hit - just a couple of Nina Bailey books)
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North 5!
I was tempted by a new A3 printer but frankly I don’t have the wall space…Found it too busy to have an enjoyable mooch tbh.
Interesting getting on board the bus again afterwards. You could tell who’d come out of the photo show. And who’d come out of the ‘Arnold Sport’ one!
Yeah, I was definitely in the “wizened old bugger” lot, rather than the “bronzed and well-muscled” lot. I’m surprised than any of the latter crew would deign to be seen on the “bus for the wimps”.
I was also looking at one of the A3 printers. My 9500ii is a bit long in the tooth and although it works fine, it needs an Ethernet printer server module, which has been a bit flakey at times.
A joke like that could get you baaaa-d
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No need to bleat about it!
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If it was Virgin Money that joke would be a red card.
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Another true story.
Back in the late 80s I was deputy head of the residential staff college of the organisation I worked for. This was located on a RAF station and housed in WW2 vintage wooden buildings in surprisingly decent nick. The main issue was the tendancy for the suspended wooden floors to bounce a bit.
At one management meeting we got to the agenda item dealing with accommodation issues and were informed by our residency manager that he had recently sent home with a colleage one of the residency maids suffering from shock.
This lady of larger than average size, upon entering one of the bedrooms to change the towels, had caused the floor to give its usual bounce whereupon the wardrobe door swung open assisted by what appeared to be a naked and rather stiff body. Said lady promptly fainted and the not inconsiderable crash as she hit the floor summoned one of the other maids who found her colleage comatose under a life size inflatable doll which presumably the occupant had brought with him to keep him company at night.
We were told that the residency manager had “spoken” to the culprit and asked to keep his friend uninflated and in his suitcase in future.
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Two Aussies, Ferret & Knackers, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Ferret stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed it vigorously and sure enough, out popped a genie. This genie, however, was a little different. He stated he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out, “Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!”
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into that hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness, as the two men considered their circumstances.
Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish it was had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said, “Nice going Drongo! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat”
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