They forgot the painted on eyebrows
2 Likes
Nah, Janice was definitely better looking!
2 Likes
And she had a personality.
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A bus full of blind people went on a day trip to Skegness. Halfway there the driver pulls up at a pub for a piss and a quick drink. To keep the blind people occupied he puts a bell in a football and leaves them outside to have a kick about. Just as he’s settling down to drink his pint of coke a fella comes running in and says " Who’s looking after that blind group outside "?
The drivers says he is and what seems to be the problem. The bloke replies, " You best come outside now, they’re kicking the f**k out of the Morris dancers "
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From my social media feed…
“A man sees a sign outside a house - ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
“Do you really talk?” he asks the dog.
“Yes,” the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, “So, tell me your story.”
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I’ve just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
“Ten quid,” the owner says.
“£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?”
"Because he’s a lying b*****d. He’s never been out of the garden!”
19 Likes
Bloke walks into a bar.
He asks “Do you have any helicopter flavoured crisps?”
“No”, says the barman “We only have plain”.
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Another bloke walks into a bar and takes a seat.
He hears a tiny voice “Oh, nice hair.”
Another says “Wow, that’s a great shirt”
“Fabulous tan”
So he asks the barman, “What’s that all about then?”
“Oh, that’ll be the peanuts in the bowl. They’re complimentary”
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Tom Cruise walks into a bar, orders a beer and slaps down a fiver.
“Um, you’re a little short”, says the barman.
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A blind guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender “I heard the best blonde joke today. Here it goes…”
The bartender says, “Sir, I’m gonna stop you real quick and let you know that the two gentlemen sitting next to you are combat veterans and they’re both blonde. The owner of this bar is sitting at a table behind you with his wife, and they’re both blonde. My girlfriend is sitting on the other side of you - she’s blonde. And I am blonde too. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?”
Blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m going to have to explain it 6 times.”
30 Likes
“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean exactly the same thing
Except at a funeral
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Don’t give up on your dreams. Go back to sleep.
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An old Woman was asked, “At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get : Parkinsons or Alzheimers?”
She answered, “Definitely Parkinsons - Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle.”
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Excellent.
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