The other variation on that is the chef called Ken Hunt, whose chicken dishes were often greeted with endless spooneristic jokes.
1 Like
Love is like one long, sweet dream.
Marriage is the alarm clock.
3 Likes
Or…
Marriage is like a pack of cards. At the start you need two hearts and a diamond; by the end you want a club and a spade.
16 Likes
I’ve set up a business using woolly elephants to carry a hearse.
It isn’t easy, it’s a mammoth undertaking.
12 Likes
Where is Johnny Dumfries??
1 Like
21 Likes
Excellent
Before marriage….
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don’t even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I’m not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
After marriage….
Simply read from bottom to top.
5 Likes
19 Likes
Barry Cryer’s favourite funeral joke
A man is at his wife’s funeral
He asks the vicar ," What’s the wifi password in here ?"
The vicar says ,“It’s your wife’s funeral.”
The man says ,“Is that all lower case ?”
19 Likes
Three nuns die in a car crash, and duly arrive at the pearly gates. St Peter says
“you will have to answer 3 questions before I can let you in - don’t worry, they are very easy”
So he asks the first nun “What was the name of the first woman?”
“Oh, that’s easy”, she says “It was Eve”.
“Yep”, says St Peter “You’re in”
Of the second, he asks “Where did Eve live?”
“oh, yes, she lived in the Garden of Eden”
“Yep”, says St Peter, “you’re in”
He turns to the third - the Mother Superior.
“What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?”
“ooh”, says the Mother Superior, “That’s a hard one”
“Yep”, says St Peter, “You’re in”
9 Likes
steve
10 Likes
Today’s yoga pose is downward spiral
1 Like
“After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, ‘Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.
Now, I have a £500,000 home, a £45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.’
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.”
19 Likes
“How do you want to die ?”
“The same way I came into this world. Bald, Naked, Toothless, Screaming, and covered in somebody else’s blood!”
2 Likes
“How do you want to die ?”
Peacefully in a deep sleep. 
Not like all the panicking passengers on my bus. 
6 Likes
