Best jokes

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steve

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What do you call a Judge with no thumbs ?

Justice Fingers.

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steve

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From a car review by Jeremy Clarkson in last weekend’s Sunday Times:

“[the car] may weigh more than Robert Maxwell, but it set off like Usain Bolt after someone had just given him a wasabi enema.”

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Yeh and costs £64K for a hatchback. Which is the bigger joke!

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Worth reading for a giggle Rolling on the floor laughing :rofl:Rolling on the floor laughing :rofl:
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Well, because that’s the way they built them in England, and English engineers designed the first US railroads. Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the wagon tramways, and that’s the gauge they used. So, why did ‘they’ use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that same wheel spacing. Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break more often on some of the old, long distance roads in England . You see, that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.
And what about the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match or run the risk of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder ‘What horse’s ass came up with this?’, you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses’ asses.)

Now, the twist to the story:
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature, of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system, was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass.
And you thought being a horse’s ass wasn’t important? Ancient horse’s asses control almost everything.

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I’m sometimes accused of being uncultured, but at least I know a bit of Beethoven when I see it.

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I’ve actually seen a great white attack a cage (true) full of people.

At the time I was glad they were all under water and couldn’t swear

Later I thought a fish attacking a cage full of people was revenge for all those cans of pilchards

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A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbour owes me $400 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?”

“Do you have any proof he owes you the money?” asked the lawyer.

“Nope,” replied the man.

“OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $4,000 he owed you,” said the lawyer.

“But it’s only $400,” replied the man.

“Precisely. That’s what he will reply, and then you’ll have your proof!”

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I had to think about that one then it had me splitting my sides as of course no one writes a letter anymore it would be a text message or email.

Before coffee I hate everybody. After coffee I feel good about hating everybody.

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England play Spain today, the winner keeps Benidorm.

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I thought the loser gets Benidorm?

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