Best jokes

Yes, M’Lady.

1 Like

16 Likes

10 Likes

Thank you! I never got into Star Trek, so didn’t know that.

19 Likes

What I thought I would say as a parent: “You are going to change the world”
What I actually say as a parent: “Stop licking the window”

6 Likes

https://neal.fun/absurd-trolley-problems/

2 Likes

I have great faith in tomorrows adults

4 Likes

25 Likes

The shirt colours are the key.

A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?”
The father answers,
“Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: ‘You’ve got male!’”

13 Likes

My wife bought me a Sat Nav for christmas. It comes with celebrity voices and is amazing. Trouble is, Mr T won’t go anywhere near the airport, Bonnie Tyler keeps telling me to turn around, Fleetwood Mac says go your own way, Bon Jovi just constantly insists we are half way there and when I select Bono all the streets have no name and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

12 Likes

Plus Chris Rea only sends me to Hell

4 Likes

steve

29 Likes

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated, he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.

Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. The patrolman was dumbfounded. “This equipment must be broken!” he exclaimed.

“I doubt it,” said the man, “Tonight I am the designated decoy!”

16 Likes

This brought a smile to me and my wife. When I first started courting her and took her home to my place for the first time, she complained of being cold.
Instead of putting the fire or central heating on, without much thought, I gave her my Irving sheepskin flying jacket to wear, cos it was nice and warm.
She did marry me but never lets me forget it.

2 Likes

I was thinking that really ages the joke.

3 Likes

4 Likes

I can think of several 00’s of 000000’s why…

2 Likes

Got my haircut sorted.

9 Likes