Best jokes

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This morning I was talking to myself and suddenly realised that I wasn’t listening, so had to start all over again.

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What do you call an alcohol-free pre-dinner drink?
Aperi-false-tif.

(I’ll get my coat.)

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I’ve never tried yoga, but I’ve tried bending down and picking up my car keys, so I’m pretty sure I’d hate yooga.

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I don’t know … :thinking:

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Having now read a description of the programme, I do not feel I have missed out.

I was once a teenage boy, and the thought of having to watch a catalogue of the stupid, embarrassing and ridiculous things that I probably engaged in back then fills me with horror. In addition, I don’t enjoy humour based on other peoples’ misfortunes.

steve

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Why age gracefully when you can age like an old cheese…
Full of character and getting up peoples noses by being slightly offensive

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I cooked a Sunday roast dinner for Lionel Richie the other day.
He asked once, twice, three times for gravy.

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I did think of putting this on the football thread

If you saw the match, you know

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The FT’s 404 is very good:

https://www.ft.com/404

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Thanks for the clarification Camphuw. I normally take some pride in my observation skills, as I usually notice many things that most would miss. Now, of course, I recall seeing the 404 on web page errors. I can’t believe you had to point it out to me. Maybe some self-flagulation is in order. Gulp …

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A bloke who goes to the council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him,“Are you allergic to anything”

He replies, “Yes caffeine.”

“Have you ever worked for the public service before?”

"Yes I was in the army"he says,“I was in Iraq for two tours.”

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.

Then he asks,“Are you disabled in any way”

The guy says “Yes,a mine exploded next to me when I was there and I lost both my testicles.”

The interviewer grimaces and then says,“O.K”.

You’ve got enough points for me to take you on right away.

Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm…but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am-and carry on starting at 10.00am everyday."

The bloke is puzzled and asks.“If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don’t you want me here until 10.00am… I’m not looking for any special treatment y’know.”

“What you have to understand is that this is a council job,” the interviewer says, “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking tea and scratching our balls. Obviously, there’s no point coming in for that.”…

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Actually made me chuckle.
:rofl:

That’s brilliant!

You may find this item useful …

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