My wife told me to put tomato sauce on the shopping list. Now I can’t read it.
Not many people know that Yoda had a last name - Layheehoo
Great hide-and-seek players are really hard to find.
“You can buy this car which seats 6 people without a problem”
“Dude, I don’t know 6 people without a problem”
Some people are like slinkies. Not really much use for anything, but bring a smile to your face when they are pushed down the stairs.
“I can’t do this any more, George, you care more about your paranoid conspiracy theories than you do about me”
“That’s exactly what the Government want you to think”
I thought we weren’t allowed to make political comments.
A couple of three year old boys were having a chat at playschool.
The first one asked “Ere? Have you been circumcised”?
The other lad replied “I have, as it happens”.
1st lad: “When”?
2nd lad: “Just a week after I was born”.
1st lad: “Did it hurt”?
2nd lad: “DID IT HURT???..I couldn’t walk for a year”!
I probably feel a little silly today, but I laughed a lot with the last jokes… So thanks, BTW
I bought my wife a slinkie outfit.
She looks great going down the stairs.
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time,
“Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?”
He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now.
It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something.
“How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?”
He declines. “The Viagra,” he says, “Its really spoiled my need for food.”
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
“Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?”
He declines again. “No,” he says, “it’s got to be the Viagra. I’m still not hungry.”
“Well,” she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m bloody starving.”
I’m sure she does!
Kevin went to his local Accident & Emergency with a bloodied nose.
After treatment, the A&E Doctor said “Well, Mr Smith. This is getting to be a habit. You’ve been in here 5 times now in the last couple of weeks. A sprained wrist, stubbed big toe, badly bruised knee, cracked rib and now a broken nose, all from the same cause”.
Handing Kevin a prescription for some tablets, the Doctor said “I want you to take one of these every night, about a half-hour before bedtime”.
Kevin read the prescription; “Viagra?? Is that going to help with the healing then Doc”?
The Doctor replied “No, but it should stop you rolling out of bed”!
What’s a pirates favourite swear word?
It be the sea word….
The older I get, the less I care about what other people think. I’m just happy that I can still think.