I played our wedding video backwards yesterday.
It really cheered me up to see how I take the ring off my wife’s finger, get out of the church and go drinking with my best friends.
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What’s a leper’s favourite musical?
Footloose
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Primary School??
A few years back true story, I was having a pee in the gents at Milton Keynes shopping centre and a chap with his son, I guess about 6, came in and as they were standing there at the urinal suddenly, “Dad is Mummy’s bit hairy like your Willy!?” Quiet voice “yes son”.
We all smiled!
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The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a..m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him midnight and he didn’t seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said ‘By the way, we need a new cuckoo clock.’
When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh sh*t.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
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Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, “Jesús is watching you.” He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, “Jesús is watching you.” In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, “Was it you who said Jesús is watching me” The parrot replied, “Yes.” Relieved, the burglar asked, “What is your name?” The parrot said, “Clarence.” The burglar said, “That’s a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?” The parrot answered, “The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús.”
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I put a bet on a horse called Mr Kipling at Cheltenham. The odds were 25 - 1. I thought they were exceedingly good rates!
( Groan).
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Cricketer: ‘I think I have a cricket ball lodged up my bum’
Doctor: ‘How’s that’?
Cricketer: ‘Don’t you effing start…’
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This one has me udderly confused.
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Oops… forgot to tell “udder” in French is “pis”
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A man walks into a delicatessen and asks for some ham.
The delicatessen owner: ‘Yes, how many slices?’
The man: ‘I’ll stop you…’
The butcher cuts him about sixty slices, watching his customer. He thinks to himself that he’s already had a good day when the man says:
‘STOP! That’s the one I want…’
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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’
The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
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I tell Dad jokes yet I don’t have any kids..
I’m a Faux Pa..
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If Mediums can communicate with the dead,
Just imagine what a large can do.
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A 4’11" psychic has just escaped from prison. Today’s headline: “Small medium at large”
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