Burying your brother in the garden?
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Until someone walks past the graveyard drunk and sees the flickering lights……
I’ve discovered that a lot of people don’t like to hold hands in public. Especially if they don’t know you.
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My wife asked me if she had any annoying habits,
and then she got all offended during the PowerPoint presentation.
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Tragedy is easy. Comedy is hard.
I misspelled “I’m unstoppable” and my phone autocorrected it to “I’m unstable” and, honestly, that’s fair.
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I’ve taken up speed reading. I can read “War and Peace” in twenty seconds. It’s only three words, but it’s a start.
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Me: “Mum, this is my girlfriend”
Mum: “Don’t settle for this, you deserve better”
Me: “But Mum, I love her…"
Mum: “I was talking to her”
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When I was a kid, they didn’t call it ‘Behavioural Disorders’. They called it being a brat.
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I opened my phone to check something. The next thing I know is someone is teaching me how to restore a tractor from 1947.
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My dentist told me I should have a crown. I was like “I know, right?”
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“you never listen to a word I say!”
“Thanks love, two sugars”
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My wife has divorced me because she says that all I ever talk about is football.
Such a shame - we’d been married for 15 seasons
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For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
“Because you’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them, “I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.” And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
“You still have fifteen more minutes,” said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on it’s head.”
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From a diary entry in yesterday’s Times, about Andrew Lownie’s forthcoming biography of the late Prince Philip:
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Yes. Hilarious, the Windsors.
I though that was Colin Bakers acting style all along. 
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Ouch!!
An accountant dies and goes to heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself.”
The accountant is perplexed. “I’ve tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome,” he tells St. Peter. “It’s the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 160 and still looking so young,” says St. Peter. The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, “160? I don’t know what you mean. I’m only 40.”
St. Peter replies, “But that can’t be right – we’ve seen your time sheets!”
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