An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, “So how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and there’s no telling what an engineer is going to come up with next.”
God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”
Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”
I just called the Suppository Helpline.
I can’t believe how rude they were.
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
“Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands.
“At this fantastic new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works – even the urinal’s gold!”
The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.
“Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
“Yes it is,” bartender answers.
“Do you have huge golden doors?”
“Sure do.”
“Do you have golden floors?”
“Most certainly do.”
“What about golden urinals?”
There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!”
My wife and I went to the Hunterdon County agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.
We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ‘THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR’
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, “He mated 50 times last year, that’s almost once a week.”
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ‘THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR’
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, “WOW!! That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.”
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, ‘THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR’
My wife was so excited her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, “That’s once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.”
I looked at her and said, “Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.”
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
A chap walks into a bar with a giraffe.
After some time and lots of imbibing, the giraffe drops on the floor stone dead.
The chap casually starts walking towards the exit.
The barman says “Hey you can’t just leave that Lyyin there”
The chap says “That’s not a Lion, that’s a giraffe”
Had to think hard to remember what a Blu Ray is.
