Think of another five-letter word for sofa and remove 20% of it.
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Doctor: I’m afraid your DNA is backwards…
Patient: And?
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Doh! 
Eric Morcambe was asked once what would he and Ernie be if they weren’t comedians. His instant reply was “Mike and Bernie Winters”.
steve
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I still don’t get it 
Hmm, another word for sofa?
Ah yes, Settee…
Nope, too many letters
1 Like
Hmm, another word for sofa?
Ah yes, Settee…
Nope, too many letters
Couch - 20%
Let me C
ouch!
1 Like
I’ve just written a new song about replacing one’s locks.
There’s a lovely key change at the end.
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I’ve formed a group called The Palindromes - our first single, out now, is ‘If I Had A Hi-Fi’.
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Wife: If I died, would you marry again?
Husband: Yes, sure.
Wife: Would you move her into this house?
Husband: I expect so, yes.
Wife: Would she sleep in our bed?
Husband: Seems likely.
Wife: Would she use my golf clubs?
Husband: Definitely not.
Wife. Really? Why not?
Husband: Because she’s left-handed.
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Watched a TV box set back to back with the wife last night…
Just glad that I was the one facing the telly!
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[mattl]
Watched a TV box set back to back with the wife last night…
Just glad that I was the one facing the telly!
… unless it was a box set of Mike and Bernie Winters!
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Have you been the victim of faulty double glazing?
You could be entitled to condensation!
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This actually happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
The French policeman stopped his car and asked the gentleman if he had been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with humour: No sir, I do not! But while we’re asking daft questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving… on the other side??
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I hope this one doesn’t go against any list rules, but I thought it was amusing.
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”
She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”
“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?”
“We use it when we make love,” she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it?”
The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”
What were you thinking ………
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It’s inappropriate to make a dad joke without being a dad.
It’s a Faux Pa
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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife…
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it’s 3 am in the morning and it’s bloomin’ well pouring with rain out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk…
10 Likes
It’s well just to agree with 
.