The mafia forced my brother to go on a creative writing course. They made him an author: he couldn’t refuse.
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Me: “Excuse me, do you have any books on oils & lubricants?”
Librarian: “Yes, they will be over there in the non- friction section.”
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At the local fete, I was charged £4.50 for a bowl of jelly. It was daylight wobbly.
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In a recent job interview I was asked how i would perform under pressure?
I thought for a moment and said that i didn’t know all the words to that one, but I could have a good bash at Bohemian Rhapsody"
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I TOLD my boss I was tired of being a human cannonball.
So he fired me.
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Were they able to find a replacement of the right calibre? 
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Boom-Boom
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I invented a steam-powered phone, but I kept getting too many mist calls.
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Thats not possible they are so full of s**t
I asked the assistant in my local Waterstones bookshop if she could direct me to the self-help section and she said no.
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Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’
She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.
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Great story, very funny. Maybe you should have considered posting in the Best Jokes thread
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I’ll move this to the appropriate place - The Best Jokes thread.
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It’s costing me £10,000, but it looks like I’m finally going to be cured of my gullibility.
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“Dad, is it true we both enjoy setting things on fire?”
“That’s right arson”
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@Proterra Please try to post jokes within the Best Jokes thread, rather than continually starting a new thread for each joke. Thanks.
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I was looking to do that but the right hand drop down options fidnt give that option only padded cell.
Where di I go wrong
"What do we want?”
“Anagrams!”
“What-ho! Wet, new mend?”
“Own!”
steve
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