Best jokes

A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Kingston, Jamaica courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the West Indies Cricket team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

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Ouch!

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Why couldn’t the life guard save a hippie?
He was too far out man!

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Just bought some shoes off a drug dealer
I dont know what they were laced with but I’ve been tripping all day

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What do you do if you see a space man?Park in it dude!

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A terminally I’ll man lying in bed smells fresh baking coming from downstairs, the smell of his favourite cakes is irresistible. Despite his chronic pain and weakness he summons what little strength he has to crawl out of bed.
Despite agonising pain he pushes himself to crawl downstairs one step at a time driven by the smell of cake.
He collapses breathless and exhausted on the floor near the kitchen table.
Just one final push he thinks to himself, and with a cry of pain, manages to get his fingertips to the edge of the table and pull himself up from the floor. Slumped on the edge of the table he stretches his arm across to reach one of the cakes when he is slapped across the hand as his wife shouts
" Hands off those!, there for your funeral!"

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@steviebee
Re Brass Eye. Just stumbled onto this, thought might be of interest

https://www.newstatesman.com/culture/tv-radio/2017/08/all-fuss-over-brass-eye-s-bad-taste-obscures-its-technical-genius

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lockdown!

Actually I’ve just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. I didn’t mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge, as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing.

The hoover was very unsympathetic… told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over. The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip.

The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to… yes, you guessed it… pull myself together…

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You’ve been at those mushrooms as well!

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Decided to get stoned today to combat the cabin fever.
It only made it worse, my mate said he’d join me and I spent hours searching for him while he helped me look

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Decided to give my friend in North Korea a ring. I asked how he was, he said “cant complain”

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