Actually quite funny
When my wife was 50. I took her to the best hotel in paris. As soon as
We arrived she complained that it is too small no tv .it is too dark.
No kettle. We were still in the lift.
I had to come back i need the money.
When I read your jokes I get a warm smile and then tend to imagine the "life of Brian"
He’s not the Messiah. He’s a very naughty boy!
My wife asked me what would stop the stairs from creaking. Apparently “Weight Watchers” was not the right answer.
In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?”
“Wait a moment,” Socrates replied, “Before you tell me I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test.”
‘Triple filter?” asked the acquaintance.
“That’s right,” Socrates continued, “Before you talk to me about Diogenes let’s take a moment to filter what you’re going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”
“No,” the man said, “Actually I just heard about it.”
“All right,” said Socrates, “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?”
“No, on the contrary…”
“So,” Socrates continued, “You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you’re not certain it’s true?”
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, “You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?”
“No, not really.”
“Well,” concluded Socrates, “If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?”
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.
That’s brilliant Rod. 
Rural north Norfolk has had the covid 19 “R” at 0 for two weeks now.
00 “R”. As they like to say.
During these strange times, it can be difficult to remember which day of the week it is.
This makes it less immediately easy to celebrate and enjoy the weekend.
Weekends are the bits in between Lagerday and Ginday. They comprise the twhrety days of Wineday, Negroniday, and Otherboozeday. Unless there’s a bank holiday (or you are in France) in which case you can also include Vindredi and Mohitodi.
I hope that clarifies it for you.
My wife said to me last night, “If you turn the bedside light off I’ll take it up the ar*e!”
In hindsight, maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down.
Ouch.
On 22nd March, the day before lockdown, I visited my local pub, and ordered a large scotch.
“I shouldn’t really be doing this with what I’ve got” I said, necking it down in one.
“What’ve you got?” asked the barman, nervously taking a step back.
“50p”.