I sold someone some cannabis the other day. When he handed over his money I asked “Anything else?”
“An’ a gram of cocaine please”
I paused for a moment before replying uncertainly “…Oceanic?”
10 Likes
I’m always getting my mucking words fuddled! 
1 Like
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work ?
A can’t opener.
7 Likes
Or at the very least, don’t glue your fingers together.
G
1 Like
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter ?
An irrelephant.
5 Likes
Old Ted has farmed his land since forever, and has a party trick that entertains the villagers and walkers - he can tell the time just by lifting his bull’s testicles. Whenever he’s asked he’s always right - lift; 20 past 2, lift; 4:35, lift; 10 to 7, lift; quarter past 4. One day a newcomer’s curiosity gets the better of him - “How do you do it Ted, how come you’re always right?”
Ted pulls him closer. “When I lift his bollocks I can see the church clock”
2 Likes
2 Likes
Just searching around…
Quantum physicists have the best sex.
They know all the super positions
2 Likes
As my physics master used to say ‘every couple has their moments’.
2 Likes
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg
6 Likes
Or as my old metallurgy master used to say,
“When necking stops hardening starts” 
1 Like
A guy decides that maybe he’d like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn’t have any feet or legs.
The guy says out loud, “Christ, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”
“I was born this way,” says the parrot. “I’m a defective parrot.”
“Ha, ha,” the guy laughs. “It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!”
“I understood every word,” says the parrot. “I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.”
“Yeah?” the guy asks. “Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”
“Well,” the parrot says, “this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I’ll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.”
“Wow,” says the guy, “you really can understand and answer, can’t you?”
“Of course! I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I’m a great companion.”
The guy looks at the £200 price tag. “I can’t afford that,” he says.
“Pssst,” the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing.
“Nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can get me for £20. Just make an offer!”
The guy offers 20 quid and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He’s funny, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, empathises, gives good advice.
The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, “Pssst,” and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage.
“I don’t know if I should tell you this or not”, says the parrot, “but it’s about your wife and the postman”
“What?” says the guy.
“Well,” the parrot says, “when the postman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth.”
“What happened then?” asks the guy.
“Then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightgown and began petting her all over,” reports the parrot.
“My God!” the guy cries. “Then what?”
“Then he got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down.”
The parrot pauses for a long time…
“What happened? What happened?” says the frantic guy.
“I’ve no idea” says the Parrot. “I got a hard on and I fell off my perch.”
11 Likes
Iam a liar nowhere near 90. The wife thinks i behave like a man of 90.
1 Like
Gorgeous !
I nearly fell off my chair. 
MArco 
Is this a Chris Eubank quote?
4 Likes
I recently read the book he wrote on ethics… It was so successful he’s doing another one on suthics…
2 Likes
Post 1521 ^ 
2 Likes
