Depends where the carrot is!
My urologist’s office called the other day and explained that my scheduled appointment would now be done over the phone due to the coronavirus. One hour before the scheduled teleconference, I was instructed (via email) to administer my own urine test.* This was to avoid those lab tests and costly co-pays that your doctor’s tell you to get at Laverty Diagnostics, because they’re shutdown too.
Directions:
Simply go outside and pee on the front lawn.
If ants gather: *DIABETES.
If you pee on your feet: *PROSTATE.
If it smells like a barbecue: *CHOLESTEROL.
If your wrist hurts when you shake it: *OSTEOARTHRITIS.
If you return to your house with your penis outside your pants: ALZHEIMER’S.
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A guy walks into a bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked up at him and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”
The guy says, “You know what, I bet he will.”
The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.” The guy placed $30 on the bar and said, "You’re on!“
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to the guy saying, "Fair’s fair… Here’s your money.“
The guy replied, “I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump.”
The blonde replies, “I did too; but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”
The guy took the money
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A tweet reported in today’s Times:
They say it’s impossible to burn salad but this one is definitely chard.
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I always thought it was Frosties
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huh?
Goth Clowns I’m guessing…
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beats me. looks like a standard hospital (or similar) laundry basket sign…
Well I am dyslexic and I’ve not iany dea what it means. 
Think half the picture might be missing or @TOBYJUG may just be making a statement.
Get it out with Optrex.
I went on a cruise and the russian captain said to me i would like you on my table. What does he think iam fish balls.
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I even asked my children. It makes no sense to any of us.
Come on, then, @TOBYJUG, time to explain it to us. We’re all waiting…
I said to the Baker, “How come all your cakes are 50p and that one’s £1?”
He said, “That’s Madeira cake”
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It was just that most would read it as Goth clowns only.
Not strictly a best joke, more a mediocre meme. Seeming mediocre meme’s are all the rage right now, I thought most would get it.
Apologies. And, apologies if I have put in the incorrect grammar for meme’s.
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This is not the Use of English thread, so you’re ok.
And so is Brian !!! bless his cotton socks !!
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There has been a lot of international grief over having to wear a mask during this Covid thing. But I tell ya, it’s not all bad.
Ever since I’ve been wearing a mask, I’m getting way more hits on Tinder …
Dave
