Geordie woman walks into her local hairdressers and says “can you give us a perm?”
The hairdressers says “Sure luv. Ahh wundad lernly as a clood…”
20 Likes
Full credit in advance to John Finnemore’s Souvenier Programme earlier this evening. If you weren’t listening to R4 at 6:45…
Man goes to a publisher and says I want to publish a work, one that celebrates the works of all of the Bronte sisters. I want it to be a cross reference of all of the words used in the whole of their cannon, with cross links to each to show usage, meaning and intent. I want to celebrate their work.
The publisher leans back in his chair and says “I think that’s a great idea. But before I give the go-ahead, can you confirm to me that you only want to publish this work because you first came up with the title ‘Brontesaurus’?”
5 Likes
A young lad comes home from school excited about being in the play,
Son:Dad, I’m going to be in the school play
Dad: Who are you playing?
Son: I’m playing the husband who’s been married for 20 years
Dad: Never mind son next time you might get a speaking part
5 Likes
I’ll be starting a new job as a bell ringer tomorrow.
Being my first day, they’ll just be showing me the ropes.
13 Likes
7 Likes
My 4 year old son has been learning Spanish at School and he still hasn’t learnt the word for please… I think that is poor for four.
4 Likes
Maybe he has been spending too much time on the playing fields and getting a grassy ass.
1 Like
That’s scary, I’ve always got my foot in my mouth.
Folks… please be aware…
I hate to do this about a local restaurant but feel you deserve to know. 
- Be aware *
I ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (I won’t name them) I went to pick it up and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
I thought what in the world is that? Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.
I pulled over and leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers,
I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down …
And there it was …
… A Peeking Duck!!!
.
5 Likes
Must be the onion breath but I love it! 
Not very hygienic, they must be quackers giving service like that!!
1 Like
Deleted
5 Likes
Posted yesterday. Not so funny this time.
Grandson came home from school last year, just before Xmas and proudly announced that he was in the school Xmas play.
My daughter was puzzled when he said he was playing the role of a book and needed her to make him a suitable costume !
My daughter queried this with the teacher.
“ No, he’s not a book, she said, he’s a Page !”
1 Like