I’ve just been offered a position teaching at the International school in Switzerland. I Don’t know anyone there and I don’t think I’ll get on with the colder winters very well, but the flag is a big plus.
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Got offered a job overseas. It sounded great until I was told it would be in Switzerland, which made me think, “big red flag.”
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As we’ve been sharing some of Humphrey Lyttletons “Samantha” gags thought this might be of interest
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier. He can see 
from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.”
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”
(You’re gonna love this.)
The bank manager looks back at her and says, “It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
(You sang it, didn’t you? Yeah, I know you did.)
Never take life too seriously!
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If you believe that alcohol affects your short term memory, just think what alcohol could do.
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Why does the Misses always wait until I am at the other end of the house to ask “Em Mher Mrrrr Mumph furrr SAKE”?
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Just reply “beer”
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I’m not going to do the whole gag about the German chap working as a dishwasher in a seafood restaurant with a French waiter that has a change of heart about killing one of the menu items because it looked a little different to the others, but the business end of it is: Now Hans that do dishes can be soft as Gervaise with mild green hairy lip squid.
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A bit like the one about the school child who was given an english homework assignment to write a sentence with the word ‘judicious’ in it…
Hands that judicious …
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Life is like a penis.
Sometimes it’s up, sometimes down, but it wont be hard forever
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What do you call a guy with a rubber toe ?
Roberto!
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Teacher stood in front of the year 3 class.
“OK children, you know we’re all living in funny times now and have to be aware of anything contagious. Can anyone give me an example of what contagious means?”
Little Jenny sticks her hand up and says “Yes Miss, I can, I think it’s something to do with the people at the garage, they’re contagious.”
“Really???” Says the teacher, “Why do you think that?”
“Well, dad came back in a really bad mood yesterday, he was really angry and shouting and swearing because the car was still not fixed and still with the man at the garage and it was taking the contagious to fix it.”
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Oldies but goodies
Teacher says to class, “Children take out your notebooks and pencils…”
Little Johnny replies “I ain’t got no pencil miss”
Teacher replies dissaprovingly “Well Johnny, its not I ain’t got no pencil, its I have no pencil, he has no pencil, she has no pencil, they have no pencil or we have no pencil…”
Little Johnny replies “So who’s got all the f@ckin pencils then?”
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Give it an hour tops
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Surely a comma due in the fourth.
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Who would have thought a missing comma could land one in a lot of trouble, Steve? Brilliant. 
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And it’s gone. 
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As usual we’ve missed it.