2 Likes
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Philip Glass.
6 Likes
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they’re sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. The boyfriend agrees.
The bartender brings the drink and puts a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice on the bar. He puts the salt on his tongue… salty but okay. He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth… smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks, “this is okay.” Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits… At two seconds the Baileys curdles… At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits… At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex but, being manly and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend and says, “Jesus! What do you call that drink?”
She smiles widely at him and says, "B J Revenge."
2 Likes
I went to a wedding at the weekend. It was just about the saddest occasion ever. Even the cake was in tiers.
9 Likes
What’s the difference between a dog and a fox?
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About 6 pints…
1 Like
My wife told me that holiday sex is the best sex ever!
Frankly, not the nicest postcard I ever got.
6 Likes
What has four legs and one arm?
A Rottweiler.
10 Likes
Sad to hear that Mr Potato Head is in such bad health - apparently, he’s developed a brain tuber.
7 Likes
I told my mother this simple joke.
Q. What’s brown and sticky?
A. A stick…
So she starts to tell a friend.
Q. What’s brown and woody?
2 Likes
That reminds me of one of my favourite Blackadder moments:
“This is the stickiest situation since Sticky the stick insect got stuck to a sticky stick.”
Best
David
6 Likes
Don’t worry, he’s just been helicoptered to a local M.A.S.H. unit.
17 Likes
Elton John swallowed a kitten, and said;
“it’s a little bit funny, this feline inside…”
17 Likes
My wife just used the same teabag twice so I called the police and they hit her with a restraining order.
17 Likes
In my new job I tickle people’s feet to make them happy. I’m a CheerUpOdist.
6 Likes
Rene Descartes is in a bar. At last orders, the barman asks him if he’d like another drink. Descartes says, “I think not.”
And he disappears.
4 Likes
I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac …
My girlfriend said I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends …
1 Like
10 Likes