There’s a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness” …
A man receives a telegram informing him about the death of his mother-in-law. It also asks whether she should be buried or cremated. The man telegraphed back, “Take no chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes” …
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What’s the best way to kill a variety act? Go for the juggler …
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People laughed at me when I told them I intended to become a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now …
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A man and his wife are at a volleyball game when they notice a very affectionate couple passionately running their hands over each other. “I don’t know whether to watch them or the game” says the man. “Watch them!”, says his wife - “you already know how to play volleyball” …
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‘They’ll be no rats in my Cabinet and my new Chief Whip is…’
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Is that really Farage in the foreground?
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One of Bob’s finest…
Guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive single malt and downs them one after the other.
“Seems like you’re in a hurry,” says the barman.
“You would be too if you had what I have,” says the guy.
“Oh? What have you got?” asks the barman.
“Fifty cents.”
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An elderly woman, well into her eighties, slowly entered the front door of a ‘Sex Shop’.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbled the few feet across to the counter.
Finally grabbing the counter for support, and s-tut-ter- ing, she asked the sales clerk, “Dooo youuuu have dilllldooos?”
The clerk, (trying hard not to laugh), politely replied, “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models. . .”
The old woman then asked: “Doooo youuuu carry aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk … aaand rrunns on bbaatteries?”
Trying not to laugh, and with a little smile creeping around his mouth, the clerk responded, “Yes, yes we do.”
She stammered, “Dddooo yyoouu kknnnooww hhhoww ttooo ttturrrnn iittt offff?”
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“Is that the fire station?”
“Yes sir.”
“Please help me! My house is burning! You’ve got to come right away!”
“OK, sir. How do we get to your house?”
“You don’t have those big red fire engines anymore?”
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What were the last words spoken at the Last Supper?
“Right you lot, everyone who wants to be in the picture, get on this side of the table.”
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In his spare time, my grandad races pigeons. I don’t know why - he never beats them …
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On their honeymoon, the husband confesses a secret to his new wife. “Darling, I’m a golf addict - you’ll never see me at weekends and all our holidays will be at golf resorts”. “I’ve got confession too” says his wife, “I’m a hooker”. “That’s not a problem” says the husband - “just keep your head down and your arm straight” …
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I’ve just realised that Tofu
is over-rated…
It’s just a curd to me.
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A sweet (but rude) joke…
Mr Cadbury meets Miss Roundtree on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street.
He asked her name. “Polo” she said with a Whispa, “I’m the one with a hole”
“Really” he replied, “I’m Marathon, the one with the nuts”
She rubbed his Tic Tacs as he touched her Creme Eggs then put his hand down her Snickers and fondled her FlapJacks.
It was a Fab moment and she screamed in Turkish Delight as he shot his chewy centre.
Unfortunately 3 days later his Sherbert Dip Dab started to itch and it turns out that Miss Roundtree had been with Bertie Bassett and he’s got flamin’ Allsorts!!!
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